Elven Thoughts and Meanderings

Working Towards A Better Me

2012-02-03T07:00:00.002-05:00

This year I've decided that I am ready to work towards a better me. It kinda goes with that whole realization that it's easier to tell strangers, whom I don't care what they think, that I'm hard of hearing than it is my friends, for whom it does matter. So, I let the doc make me an appointment with the weight-loss person.

The first thing she did was break out a BMI chart - which was developed around the civil war to chart population growth - as in thousands of people when the average height was around 5'6 for men and 5'0" for women. It's not and was not intended to be used as a health indicator and is full of crap. She was really pissed and says "well, you don't have to use it" - I said I won't, but I already know I'm overweight and I know how much I want to look like I lose. Muscle weighs more than fat so, I'm after a body shape not weight or size.

Her whole shpeel is that if I just do portion control that I will lose weight. And that three big meals are better than 6 little ones. Oh, and everything needs to be fat free and sugar free. I looked at her and said um, no a) portion control alone does not work for me. My weight fluctuates between one to two pounds a week - on portion control alone and b) I avoid anything with aspartame in it. She did say that fresh is better, frozen is next and canned should be avoided. I asked about homemade - canned/preserved foods and she said to just cut in half or leave out the salt and sugar - which I'm thinking is probably a bad idea. I did like what she said about some of the foods and that dieting and forbidding a food doesn't work because your behavior doesn't change. So, now I've got an appointment with a trainer - a necessity because I'm missing my acl - it tore and the stupid idiot doc refused to replace it. Means things I was working towards, I can't do. Stupid idiot. - so, I can get back in the gym and start exercising.

My friend suggested ending every meal with fruit. Which, I think I'm going to try. If I remember right, that is how the French end theirs. What also helps me is too rich foods - I want/need less to be full. I also don't forbid anything. The other big thing - for me - is that I needed to be ready for a change. Weight loss, at least for me and from my point of view - is as much mental and emotional as it is physical. Whether I want to lose weight because I'm tired of it, tired of hurting, or going na-na-na-boo-boo - as long as it's for me and I'm completely ready, I actually have a chance to hit my personal goal.

This Is Going To Hurt –

2012-01-20T07:00:00.000-05:00

There is no one else for me to vent to, to talk to, where it isn’t going to cause issue or make me look and feel weak/vulnerable. I signed up to talk to a counselor at the VA. After just the introductory-why are you here meeting, I’m feeling like I pulled a partially healed scab back – just enough to make it hurt. It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.

I have really good friends, great sisters, but there are things I don’t talk about, that I’m embarrassed about. Probably ashamed about. That I don’t want people to know. Some of it is, I think, because it does make me feel and appear weaker/more vulnerable or less of a person or veteran. I didn’t see combat, not because I didn’t volunteer – I did, twice – but because those were the cards I drew – different bases took the rotations I was scheduled for. Maybe I’d feel better/whole/equal if I’d have gone to the desert instead of getting married and getting orders to Japan. Yes, I’d have a different life, but maybe I wouldn’t feel less. Like, I don’t belong, like I’m not a ‘real’ vet.

There are always maybes and what ifs. Any number of them would lead to a different outcome.

Sewing and Stitching in 2012

2012-01-13T07:00:00.000-05:00

In the interest of prioritizing my sewing and stitching projects and actually make headway on them....

1. Finish the sports afghan for my nephew
2. Finish three ornaments for my new great nieces
3. Finish the wedding sampler for my friends T & L
4. Finish the wedding sampler for my niece and her new husband
5. Finish three birth announcements
6. Finish two ornaments for my daughter
7. Finish TW Storyteller
8. Finish the block of the month quilt tops from the last 4 years and either quilt them or get them quilted
9. Make new garb, on time, for my daughter
10. Make pants, suit coat/jacket, and shirts for me for work
11. Post pictures.

I think that will keep me busy, although it may be slightly ambitious given the fact that I'm working full time and going to school full time. But, if I don't give myself goals I'll never accomplish anything.

New Year - New Changes and Choices

2012-01-06T07:00:00.001-05:00

So, what are everyone's New Year's Resolutions or Promises to Yourself?

Since resolutions are rather easy to break - it's just a goal after all, these are things I promise myself to accomplish or work on accomplishing this year.

I promise myself to:
1. Declutter my house
2. write 2000 words a day
3. Finish my writing plan,
4. Finish my business plan (strategic plan - non profit business style but for writing)
5. Excercise daily
6. Run a 5k
7. Stitch or sew weekly
8. Have a 'sassy' new year
9. Get out more
10. Apply to the VA for my benefits
11. Try to be more approachable and outgoing
12. Learn ASL
13. Blog regularly
14. Host either a sit and stitch, writer's day retreat, or dinner once a quarter
15. Become more financially independent and responsible
16. Take steps to increase my knowledge base in several different areas
17. Renew my first responder cpr/first aid cert.
18. Organize my stuff - in a manner that is comfortable to me, my beliefs and priorities
19. Either bead or scrapbook once a quarter.

And Most importantly

20. Stay in touch/communication with my friends and sisters better.

Now, some of these are going to be hard for me, because while I'm not really a shy person, my hearing loss has made it hard and uncomfortable for me to be in large crowds because even with my hearing aids, there are a lot of things that I miss and I'm not the type of person that can really laugh at myself or be okay with looking stupid. But, I do want to get out more, meet more people - maybe even dateable people, and take more steps towards having a fun/sassy type of life. I'd like to play more games, but I don't always want to play magic the gathering style card based games, but there are plenty of other games to play.

Random Venting

2011-09-28T20:23:00.003-04:00

I really want to quit. Everything really. No, I'm not suicidal, it's not that bad, but I really want to at least sit this round out. I'm tired of trying to balance school, job hunting (unsuccessful - it would help if I left the state, but I'm still in school, so I can't), a tween who either truly doesn't get things or wants everything given to her and I'm not really sure which at this point, absolutely no privacy, constant interruptions, and the lack of money. The fact that my family still thinks I'm wasting my time on my writing doesn't bother me, nor does it bother me that most of my friends won't read my books - it's not for them, I understand that. No, what is bothering me is that I can't find it in me to be a b*tch or mean. I keep trying to help everyone, keep putting others in front of me until I want to scream.

By helping a friend out, I lost my office/craft room - which had quickly become my sanctuary. This same friend is strapped for cash, so right now I'm providing everything - but she's not helping around the house - even after asking her too. My TV is always on, half the lights are usually on, my daughter is having problems adjusting to a roommate, and every time I turn around she's eating something - which wouldn't bother me, but it's things that I need or have a specific purpose for. I mean really, who goes and opens a tub of frosting and eats all of it without asking if there is a reason.

The constant interruptions because since I'm writing or editing or whatever from home I must need to talk to someone are driving me insane.

The problem is the roommate I got myself into, and I have to put up with it, because I still haven't found a job and I need help with the bills and rent.

I applied for 2 dozen jobs this week and an internship. A friend of mine keeps recommending a professional organization through her church, but I'm not comfortable at church or with overly pushing religious people (any religion, no specific brand/type), so I haven't. Again, it feels wrong to me to go to a church for help when I don't go to church and don't plan on it.

Tonight the chicken was well flavored, but dry and there were way too many veggies and liquid for the dish. So, I'll keep the chicken and use it another dish and toss the veggies.

I am going to a conference on medical humanities tomorrow and Friday, but I don't know that I am going to finish my book on time. It's due by Saturday. If it's late, I could very well lose this contract. And I need every contract and release I can get. Money is tight. The economy in my state absolutely sucks. I'm over qualified for some jobs and under qualified for others. There isn't enough food or money to go around.

What I want is a break. A job, a real job with real hours that pays weekly, because even though I will lose writing time, I will lose 3/4's of my stress. I'm not, nor have I ever expected, to make money like a lot of big name authors - at least not to start, but a day job to cut the stress would be lovely.

Paths To Take

2011-04-25T14:45:00.002-04:00

Never before have I ever doubted my path in life. Not where my writing is concerned. I always knew that I growing and learning to do, but I would be better for it. I would be published. Today though, I'm seriously doubting my path in life. I'm beginning to think that writing is a serious waste of time. Something better left in notebooks, journals and thumbdrives lost under the bed or used to line the litter box. Something for me to do when the characters won't shut up, but not to be shared. Not any more.

Secrets

2010-10-16T01:17:00.002-04:00

Secrets - they can be good things or they can be bad things. Sometimes, though, they just are.

A good many of my friends and family know that I can't hear - not really well - it's not something I was born with, it's an effect from being in the military. That along with a few other things.

There was no point in time where I was given a choice - do I want this or that - do I want to accept, adjust, deal - there was no choice, there only is. I had to accept and adjust to the hearing loss, just like I have to accept, adjust and deal with other things like no more kids, thyroid issues, and dental issues. All from the same time period. I have a huge amount of confidence for most things. I know mostly who I am and what I want and where I'm going. Great, right - mostly. But the fact that I can't hear a lot of things means I built more walls, allow myself to be perceived as shy or weak. Why? Because I'm scared of making a mistake. One that will have people laughing at me at the best and causing someone their life at the worse. I worry that I won't hear my daughter when she needs it. I allow myself to stick around family and friends even when I know they are bad for me, not because I fear change - love change, but because I never know what I'm missing that I needed.

I've never asked why me, but I wonder - often - if I am ever going to find the right person for me - if they will accept me as I am? Will they be okay with the closed captioning on the screen of the tv, deal with the fact that plays, movies, and concerts are hard for me and sometimes not doable.

We live in a world where communication is key. My jobs depend on my ability to communicate. I completely trust few people because sometime I have to rely on them to tell me what I missed and I need to know that what I'm being told is the truth. Hearing enables communication, not being able to hear, hinders my communication. And that scares me. It is one of the few things that I'm scared about.

I want to learn ASL, but the only classes I can find are at the university level - I don't need or want a grade, I need to be able to communicate. I need to know what is happening in the world around me.

There are things I want to try, but I can't because without someone I trust around to make sure I'm not missing the signals I need, it's not safe.

I don't like talking on phones anymore than I have to, and I don't like talking to people with heavy accents - not because I don't like them or because of some nonsensical idea that they took my job away or a job from a 'real' American - no, it's because I can't decipher what they are saying. I have a friend - my best friend and it is getting harder and harder to talk to them on the phone because too many of the words run together.

PA systems, loud speakers, announcers - I can't understand anything. I don't hear my smoke detector. And the sounds that the emergency broadcasters make, I don't hear.

This isn't a topic I talk about to my friends or family - it's one that I'll work through because I have no choice. But sometimes it would have been nice to have been given a choice.

A Journey Completed

2009-12-28T06:57:00.002-05:00

On December 19th, in front of my daughter, two of my best friends, my parents, and my sisters in spirit despite the freezing temperatures, I graduated with my bachelors of science.

The journey to this point has been hard and long. I lost my father and one of my best friends within six months of each other. My brother lost his house and I nearly lost the rest of my family. Horrible discoveries were learned and my mother was diagnosed with emphysema. There has never been enough money and more than once I was lectured about the sensibility of going to school vs getting a real job. The state I live in has the worse economy in the US with about as many perspective jobs and at the same time, I couldn't get help with basic needs. I continued to write and gain rejections. Finally publishing something. I put aside all of my other hobbies, allowing them to collect dust while my friends and sisters marched forward with theirs. My hearing loss was finally diagnosed and effects of radiation exposure were felt and finally realized. I have seen friends come and go back and forth to Iraq and Afghanistan doing their duty and I struggle with feelings of guilt that I am no longer serving. The fact that I have a child doesn't matter. So do many of them.

I am the second person in my family to obtain my bachelor's degree. Third if you count my uncle - all of us vets - all of us using the GI bill to go to school. Because of this, the practicality of going to school - especially since I'm a woman - yes my family is that backward - has always been questioned.

From this point forward I am in mostly uncharted territory - I will be the first person in my family with a masters degree and eventually my doctorate (not in medicine though). I am published and will continue to sell and do so. Which now that there is money coming in - writing suddenly is okay and not a time-waster.

One leg of my journey has been completed, but the path before me continues on.

And in the words of Robert Frost -

"...And I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all of the difference."

HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-12T21:53:00.001-04:00

OOps. Again. I know I was going to blog more, but then life got in the way. Again. I graduate in December - with a bachelors - finally! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to go to grad school and do the PA thing, but I've become involved with Student Veterans of America - my university's chapter and I sort of want to stay involve with it. The cool thing about SVA it isn't just for today's military and vets - it's for all vets. I'm back to sticking my nose in my books, I took summer classes - because that was really smart - and it's finals week.

I hope to start blogging regularly - at least once a week.

OOps...

2008-11-23T20:52:00.000-05:00

So, I realized I forgot to tell about the coolest and possibly one of the dumbest things I did - but it was so totally worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat - hopefully I don't have to work or be home that night.

So, on November 8th, I drove my butt 3 1/2 hours south to Indianapolis - well the North Side of it - and met my friend Karen at the yarn haven she works at and SUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And one other lady, who gave me a card and I've misplaced it at the moment and spaced on the name. BUT I MET SUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but she totally rocks. Smart and sassy. :) We - the four of us - went to MacAlasteir's Deli and spent about 3 or 4 hours talking. We talked about a lot of different things, which I won't elaborate on - we covered a lot of subjects = family, military, school, politics (just a touch - couldn't be helped it was right after the election), love (once again I was the only single one in the bunch, but eh it works). I can't wait to go back. HOpefully to spend more time with everyone. So, now I've officially met 3 of my sisters by another mother. I WILL meet them all.

Oh, the dumb part - leaving Indy at 10 at night and driving home. I got home at 1:30 in the morning and had to be at work at 6 the next morning. I was exhausted.

Economy

2008-11-18T15:08:00.000-05:00

I generally hate corporations. They're pretty much to blame for the whole economic crisis that and greed coupled with stupidity - at all levels.

But Michigan's economy is tanked and will tank harder when the Big 3 Auto makers fall. And why is that a big problem? Because the bone heads making decisions in this state put everything into cars (and furniture - but good furniture has been replaced by over priced pressboard crap from art van that has little use, no value, and not artistic at all) - everything.

Public schools lost the fight to send kids to college a long time ago because why spend 50K on education at UofM or MSU when you can make 30/hour at factory sitting on your ass and turning a couple of bolts (I have family who do this) and there fore public education gets you a factory job but very little else.

I'm a writer and a college student and vet majoring in medical - why do I care - family mostly - they'll lose they're jobs - the ones that haven't already - the houses will go into foreclosure, and 8 out of 10 cities will become ghost towns as everyone leaves the bloody state to look for work that pays.

Should the government bail them out? No, not really. Because instead of looking at what consumers wanted (smaller, more efficient cars) the Big 3 decided that more gas guzzling SUV's and Trucks were needed - that's what they ordered and that's what they pushed on people. Because really a family of two or four that lives in the city and never goes down a dirt road really needs an SUV/Mini-Van/Truck. *Doh*

Am I affected - was - 8 years ago when the evil-unholy bank of the improper fraction bought out the hometown bank and laid everyone (not an exaggeration) off.

Sometimes

2008-11-14T11:27:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I don't want to be cheery and happy. I don't want to pretend that I've got it all figured out, that it's easy. I don't always like to share what's going on in my life, because aside from being way to personal and requires more trust than I care to spare for more than the few who have it. I won't bring this to my friends, because one just got a great job offer and another is dealing with a scary situation and some are just trying to get through their daily lives without having to listen to me. But this is my blog and I can say what I feel like.

What I feel like is quitting. I'd say everything, but I'd miss my DD too much and she'd be stuck with someone I don't really trust or like. School - I'm just over a semester from graduating with a B.S. - yippee -- I don't care anymore. My classes are hard and I'm just passing the lectures - labs I'm doing better, but lectures suck. I have more to do this year than ever before. My mom has emphysema - we still don't know how bad, but I'm guessing a year - two tops....I'm thinking she's had it for a while - you know the cough that never went away. That and the doc looked at four chest x-rays and said you've got emphysema. My DD's body is acting up and I've gone through 3 pediatrician's at the office because 1 didn't come back after a family emergency, another said wait and see one to many times - I'm not a hysterical mom - I actually know when something's not right and when she just wants to get out of school and be lazy, then there are two that I'm still trying to figure out - one who's more aggressive with looking at all of the clues and one who I sometimes get the feeling that she just wants me out of there. And then there is an accident that happened 13 years ago that may be responsible for me losing my teeth, not being able to have anymore kids, and an increase in cancer risk. And now I have to fight the VA over it. And just to add my fun, everyone wants to adopt a family for Thanksgiving and Christmas = great. grand. Have at it. But I'M expected to contribute too. I can't pay my rent, there is barely any food in my house, and my caseworker is sending my more forms. So I have prove I am who I say I am and who my DD is and barely make while some lying jerk gets enough money, aid, and food stamps to feed an army with no intention of getting off welfare. Now really, how is one piece of paper going to help. Because really, I don't if I can get into grad school, let alone pay for it. There's a new GI bill = that's wonderful - I served non-combat between the Persian Gulf and Iraq/Afghanistan - it doesn't apply for me. I have worked hard to get to this point, to get to a point where I can hold my head up and say it was worth it, I did it. But it's not there, and its not coming. And my family - they're full of great advice like - "well your brother and I did it - full time school, work, and raise a family and we had more kids" = yeah, let's put that into perspective - anyone can do it if they're married with someone else doing things like cooking, working, and putting kids to bed. And really my brother went to the U of Phoenix - advance/adult school and majored in IT, - one class, one night a week - yeah I could do that too - and I wouldn't even need to study. My mom went to a business college for accounting - I've taken those classes before - yup I could do those in my sleep - both my mom and my brother were married - someone else watched and worried about the kids while they were in school. My brother worked, my dad worked, my mom worked part-time. My sil takes care of the kids, and the house, and everything else. So, that's easier than doing it pretty much alone. My family doesn't live close. If my DD is sick at school, I have to leave school to go get her, regardless of what I'm doing - regardless if I'm taking a test or listening to a lecture. No one else cleans my house, makes money for me so that I can just study. I have to come up with rent money, with money for the laundry, with money for everything. And really, if I'd gotten a job in a factory I could make $30/hour for sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I could have a house and fewer worries. But I didn't. I wanted to do better for my DD. And I didn't. There will be no Christmas at our house - good thing Santa has never visited, because it's real hard to explain why the number of gifts Santa brings keep getting smaller - Thanksgiving should be interesting, since it's a my brother's and really since the comment he made the last time (his opinion is that it's the victim's fault, not his responsibility) - I don't want to see him. Blood may be thicker than water, but it's not stronger than love. My rant. My blog. Really, life feels like everyone's against me, and I don't have it in me to turn around and yell - "But I'll still make it further than you!". I just want to sit down, hidden from view, and give up. Because really, what is the point.

Sometimes there is no fixing, there is only accepting.

It's Been A Whole Month

2008-08-13T21:42:00.000-04:00

It's been a month, I guess that means I should update my blog. I really need to do it more often. Okay, since finishing my book, I have not done my updates. I have taken my DD to 2 doctor appts - with mixed results. I have taken 17k photos for two events on two consecutive weekends with only 3 days off in between. I have gotten DD her school supplies and some of her uniforms. New school - she wears uniforms - I'm happy - she's on the fence. It's a good school though. I have financial aid so I can finish my last year as an undergrad. I do have my schedule and I'm flip-flopping on how much books are going to cost me this semester - all sciences - and I have to keep them. I have actually stitched and I'll get an updated pic loaded soon. It's on my list of things to do. Oh, I've packed (in prep for a move) and unpacked (move didn't happen). Oh, and I've worked. A lot. I did a workshop in July on characterization, which I think went over okay. I haven't sewed anything, and I need to because I'm going to the gathering this fall and I need new garb. I'm thinking dark forest or hunter green, royal blue, or maroon/burgundy. Not sure. Have the pattern though. Money. time. not so much. LOL. Oh well. It'll be fun.

Random Meanderings

2008-07-07T19:30:00.001-04:00

It's been about a month since I updated my blog, so I'll start with a random thoughts, meanderings, and updates.

= Happy Birthday America, a wonderful day to celebrate, be thankful for our freedoms, and to remember that Freedom never is and never has been free. A huge thank you to everyone serving in our military, and may you all come home safe and soon.

= I spent the weekend without answering my cell phone, checking my email, or listening to my mp3 player except for the few hours I was writing. I did have a deadline, so I had my laptop with me.

= I finished a book. One I wrote. WOO HOO!!! Happy Dance for me. I'm excited and thrilled!!!!!!!!!!

= I may have a new hobby - I so don't need another one.

= I got financial aid for my last year of school.

= I may or may not move, not quite sure.

= I actually stitched on TW's Castle. I'll upload a WIP pic soon.

= It's only 2 months until school starts

= I'm not sure what's scarier your dd on the brink of becoming a pre-teen and dressing the part or the rest of the stuff that goes with it. DD asked if she could wear her clothes a certain way, and I said that within reason I don't care. If you start to look like a tramp, then we'll have issues. She was thrilled. My DD will be 10 in 4 months and will be driving in 5 years.

= I have started the application process for grad school. Lots of money going out. OUch.

= I get to do the coolest shadowing program in August. I'm excited. But too many people will think it's gross, so I'll leave it at that.

= Oh, and the picture, that's Lake Michigan at sunset. That was taken in May, but a friend came up to visit and saw our 'little' lake that you can't see the other side on, and stuck her toes in. We popsicled her, because the water was maybe 50 F degrees, and yes, people were swimming in it.

Quilting

2008-06-10T10:10:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if it made it onto my goal list or not, but I love to sew and have added quilting to my list of things I like to make. Until now it has been self taught - a very interesting path to take let me assure you -- first quilt I ever made, my DD refuses to part with. <> :)

I moved a couple of years ago, and found a quilt store close to me, that has classes that can fit into a working student mom's very hectic schedule - and understanding owners that allow me to slide in a few minutes late - well they have one club, because it's not a class, that is called The $5.00 Quilt -- you pay $5 in January and receive a kit for a single block on either a light background or a dark background and as long as you bring the completed square the next month and don't miss any meetings you get the next block free - the catch -- sit for a half hour with other quilters and see the new fabrics and products coming into the store - and then show and tell -- it's fun. I'm trying new blocks and talking to a few people. And later this summer, since I switched to first shift - yeah me - I can take a night class in quilting and maybe finally my corners will match up and my points be pointed and not get cut off. Maybe. I'll have fun, so a few imperfections aren't going to bother me to much, we throw them on the bed anyway - use them as tents, capes, and the walls of forts and castles. LOL

Here are the first five blocks -- (I don't have a digital camera, just a scanner - so the sides are cut off - the blocks are suppose to be 10 1/2 inches square - I've not measured them and am scared to do so)

Road To Oklahoma -

Pinwheel -

New Album -

Jewel Box -

Sawtooth Star -

I still don't know how I'm going to finish them off, but I have until December to make that decision. And acquire the fabric - it's all one line, which is really cool. I'm thinking about putting two 1 inch borders around each square one in the background black and then one in another color that maybe can it all together.

I know I want a border or 3, and I like the idea of using alternating triangles in the colors from the quilt squares sandwiched between the background fabric.

There is still time. I'm excited. I'll share my progress. I got a new block yesterday - Balkan Puzzle - in golds.

Yet Another Pop Quiz

2008-01-23T22:59:00.000-05:00

Which of Henry VIII's wives are you?
this quiz was made by Lori Fury

Story View

2008-01-15T08:45:00.000-05:00

This is where a new story of mine is taking place -- well an island very similar. This is American Samoa

Scary THoughts

2008-01-14T00:11:00.000-05:00

You know there are those light bulbs moments when something you knew on some level just kinda clicks and you go "Oh". This is sorta like that.

Pretty much, I'm an introvert surrounded by and living among extroverts.

And at one point I was happy to say that I never stayed in my comfort zone - I loved to do things randomly and be more outgoing. But then life and school happened, so really, my one big goal for 2008 is to leave my comfort zone. This should be an interesting experience.

Enabling

2008-01-11T15:45:00.000-05:00

I am an enabler.

At times, I've been known to enable friends to spend money on themselves, when they're reluctant. Or to pamper or indulge themselves when they feel they shouldn't.

This time, I think -- I hope -- I enabled healing.

We all wonder "why me? why this? why now?" We wonder why we had to go through something and we rarely hear/see/understand why. We don't always get the answer, sometimes because it's not time and sometimes because we choose not to receive it.

I understand, or think I do, now.

I wear my scars much as I wear my tattoos. Sometimes hidden and sometimes visible, but always they are mine and deeply personal. I don't flaunt them. They are for my pain or my pleasure. They are not there to make you laugh or cry. They are not there for your pity or your shame. Your pleasure or your condemnation. As your's are not there for mine. They are not badges of honor. They are not reflections of a troubled past or wishful thinking on anyone's part. They just are.

I do not hide my abuse, nor do I flaunt it. It too, just is. Was.

I say this, because the other day, a few of us got together to try to help one of our own. There was much self deprecation involved. I spoke of what I've been through, recovering, and what I've learned. Another person about what they had lived through. Only later did I learn they'd never spoken about it before. Too anyone. Maybe because I spoke, they spoke, and maybe not their healing -- true healing can begin.

My story is not their story, one is not lesser than the other.

They just are.

What becomes of it, is for us to decide.

I live --

2007-12-30T16:44:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy semester -- I went back to work - full time, two jobs for a while, and went to school. We didn't place in the Ketchup contest, but we did get an offer to do the bike show next summer. I'm thrilled. I don't stitch anymore, except on the one piece of my sister's that I have. School and work are sucking the life out of me.

Commercial...

2007-08-10T22:43:00.000-04:00

We spent a whole day in July taping a commercial for a Heinz Ketchup Contest.

Here is the link to it on You Tube. It was just plain fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuAPjEdin-0

And Then I Cried

2007-08-02T20:27:00.000-04:00

I can't though... I can't cry -- not today, not when my heart and soul demand that I do so. My grandma passed away today. She was my grandma through my friends. She treated me and my DD like her grandkids and great-grandkids. Her death reminds me of all that I didn't get done. A promise, now broken, that can never be kept. When Nancy died, I made a promise to myself that the fabric I inherited from her would be used to make a quilt for her mother, grandma. But life intervened and when I came out of myself enough after the pain had faded, I never got to it. There was always something else. Not always bigger or brighter or better -- but something else. She was sick and I think tired. She held on longer than she ever believed she would, but after her eldest child left this world and her husband had too, I don't know that she wanted to remain any longer.

The sun rose in shades of red and pink,
The summer moon in a brilliant orange,
The hues of fire burnt into my soul,
The blackened ash uncovered,
Friends forever,
Gone.
The wind stands still, afraid to move,
The clouds threaten tears,
Tears that mingle with those of my heart.
The Earth sheds the tears I can not.
And I am sadden more.

Script Frenzy Approaches

2007-05-17T22:40:00.000-04:00

June 1st, begins the month-long script frenzy. I'm excited. I'm writing, I'm in school, and trying to find a job and have no time -- I can't wait!

Crossed Paths

2007-02-26T13:49:00.000-05:00

Off Balance
Center lost
Paths crossed
My soul wants one
My heart both and neither
Unfocused
Unclear
The mist rises obscurring the way

Deep of Night

2007-02-20T09:39:00.000-05:00

In deepest winter
In the bitterness of night
Welcoming fires flicker and fade
An enemy is within

Card of Life

2007-02-01T09:35:00.001-05:00

You are the World

Completion, Good Reward.

The World is the final card of the Major Arcana, and as such represents saturnian energies, time, and completion.

The World card pictures a dancer in a Yoni (sometimes made of laurel leaves). The Yoni symbolizes the great Mother, the cervix through which everything is born, and also the doorway to the next life after death. It is indicative of a complete circle. Everything is finally coming together, successfully and at last. You will get that Ph.D. you've been working for years to complete, graduate at long last, marry after a long engagement, or finish that huge project. This card is not for little ends, but for big ones, important ones, ones that come with well earned cheers and acknowledgements. Your hard work, knowledge, wisdom, patience, etc, will absolutely pay-off; you've done everything right.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Pop Quiz

2007-02-01T09:29:00.000-05:00

I'm a Talent!

You're a risk-taker, and you follow your passions. You're determined to take on the world and succeed on your own terms. Whether in the arts, science, engineering, business, or politics, you fearlessly express your own vision of the world. You're not afraid of a fight, and you're not afraid to bet your future on your own abilities. If you find a job boring or stifling, you're already preparing your resume. You believe in doing what you love, and you're not willing to settle for an ordinary life.

Talent: 69%
Lifer: 33%
Mandarin: 38%

Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.

Community Life

2007-02-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

I was with my family not to long ago celebrating my mom's birthday and I remembered something... I enjoy being part of a larger 'family' group. The Saturday before my DD and I spent the night at my brother's house because I didn't feel like driving home at that hour and in those conditions. The next morning, I helped my SIL make breakfast and the three oldest kids helped set (and clear) the table. I cook for two people most of the time and endure my family's taunts and teasings when I cook for everyone. (They've always liked what I've made though.)

I enjoy the idea of a community life where there are several adults and children and everyone is helping everyone. A place with a community kitchen and gardens. Each immediate family has their own house where they can have privacy and visitors if they choose and own lives but still share the responsiblities of a community.

It's a dream, one that people have tried before -- with disasterous consequences, but I found that as a person, I'm social, and being alone isn't exactly motivating.

Sad Anniversary

2007-01-16T11:01:00.000-05:00

Today is the first anniversary of my roommate, mother figure, guiding light, conscence, and friend's death. Some things have changed. Some have not. I've made it a year, sometimes just barelly. Clinging onto the precipace with my finger nails. I have missed her terribly these last 12 months. There is an emptiness in my heart that can't be replaced.

I miss you Nancy. I hope you know how much we love you. Still.

Different Views

2007-01-16T10:20:00.000-05:00

I find it interesting that two seperate views on something can produce totally different results.

Friends of mine when they are exposed to or suspect that they have been exposed to germs (i.e. cold, flu, or whatever) sterilize everything they can -- including the air. I, on the other hand, change nothing of my habits. The results -- they are sicker longer and worse. I am sick rarely and less severely and my DD is hardly sick at all.

My theory has long been that if you sterilize everything and promote a culture of germ-a-phobs, you will weaken your immune system -- the natural one you're born with -- while systematically creating supergerms.

Now, this is not to say that I'm against medical intervention, just that it should be used with common sense and a little education. It is amazing what the human body can do. Naturally. And while I'm studying science, it's the not the end-all-be-all. Not all of the answers can be found in science. Not all of the answers can be found in any one area.

2007 Goals

2007-01-05T09:49:00.000-05:00

Again I’ve divided my goals into three parts –

Stitching and Sewing
1. Finish Storyteller
2. Finish SDad Sweatshirt
3. Finish Celtic Banner
4. Finish 2006 Thimbleberries quilt
5. Finish 2007 Thimbleberries quilt
6. Do scrap quilt – Monkey Wrench Quilt for Mom
7. Do the W. quilt
8. Irish Chain in Pink for DD
9. Granny Square quilts for N sisters and mom
10. Finish Ren Costume
11. Make winter weather Ren garb
12. Make Civil War gown (day or evening)
13. Finish new bodices for ren garb
14. Finish 7 shirts for me
15. Clothes for me
16. Clothes for DD

Writing
1. Finish DT
2. Submit DT
3. Finish GTF
4. Finish HA
5. Figure out major themes, storylines, and order for RH/RME
6. Finish TMCT completely
- WW
- EK
- EW
7. Write 2-10 pages a day
8. Contact at least 3 agents
9. Contact at least 3 editors
10. Attend RWA Nationals
11. Join FFP SIC of RWA
12. Participate in NaNoWriMo (write more than 2,000 words)
13. Enter Golden Heart (if eligible)
14. Look at RT possibilities in 2008

General

1. Lose Weight
2. Read w/ DD daily
3. Read more
4. Stay on top of finances
5. Stay on top of schoolwork
6. Organize and de-clutter my house
7. Get my CNA
8. Get job
9. Live w/in my means
10. Simplify my life
11. Get to myself better (aka get to know my inner elf)
12. Exercise 5X a week
13. Yoga 3X a week
14. Get DD a bike
15. ride w/ DD
16. Take DD to Sleeping Bear Dunes
17. Take DD to Binder Park
18. Take DD to local Art Museum
19. Get zoo membership
20. Take DD to GR Art museum
21. Take DD to GR public museum
22. Take DD to state capital
23. Take DD to Ford Museum in GR
24. Take DD to Ford Museum in D.
25. Take DD to Frankenmuth w/ my mom
26. Frankenmuth w/ mom, sil, aunts
27. Take DD to Chicago
28. Save up to go to SLC, Nashville, or Vegas to see as many of my sisters as I can.
29. Celebrate Christmas this year.
30. Start Christmas shopping early.

Goals Wrap Up 2006

2007-01-05T09:18:00.000-05:00

Overall, 2006 wasn’t that great. I graduated from the community college and started at the university, but I didn’t make it into the program I wanted to. And the whole year was offset by the fact that my roommate died 16 days into the year. A fact that haunted me throughout the year and came through at Christmas, when I didn’t put up a tree or anything, which really was okay, since we weren’t home for Christmas anyway. Really, holidays were celebrated this year, because my of DD, for her sake. For me, I was okay without them.
I made some of my goals, and not others. But life happens and there isn’t anything that can be done about it.

Writing Goals –
1. Write 2-6 pages daily --Nope, but I started too, and it makes my list of 2007 goals
2. Finish WW – I didn’t. I stopped working on it when I decided that all of the characters had to die. I’m taking a sabbatical from the trilogy.
3. Finish EK -- I’m taking a sabbatical from the trilogy, since you can’t finish the series without any of the lead or supporting characters.
4. Finish EW -- I’m taking a sabbatical from the trilogy, since you can’t finish the series without any of the lead or supporting characters.
5. Finish DR – Nope, but I made some progress.
6. Finish GTF – I made progress on it.
7. Contact at least 1 editor for MCT -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
8. Contact at least 1 editor for DR -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
9. Contact at least 1 editor for GTF -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
10. Finish RTF – Nope. Didn’t even start it.
11. Contact at least1 editor for RTF -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
12. Contact at least 1 editor specializing or dealing with Sci-Fi and Fantasy -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
13. Attend RWA National Conference -- Yeah, there was no money for a conference this year, and not a strong desire either. Better luck in 2007
14. Look into SFWA Conference’s -- did, don't remember what I found --
15. Join RWA SIC FFP – Almost, filled the paperwork out, but the fees were suppose to go through paypal and my acct never worked out. I’ll retry in 2007.
16. Organize research – hard copy and digital – Mostly. Probably need another filing cabinet to fit it all though.
17. Participate in NANOWRIMO -- I did. And I got about 2,000 words written and then the prof’s spring things like 4 papers with bibliographies and multiple sources (for books you either need to borrow or buy) due at the end of the month. Ugh.
18. Enter RWA’s Golden Heart – Didn’t finish anything to enter. It goes back on the goals for 2007.
19. Subscribe to Writer’s Digest, Realms of Fantasy, Asimov – Nope, but I buy them when I can.

General Goals –
1. Lose about 100 lbs -- Started, but lost the momentum. Ready to hit it again.
2. Exercise at least 3 times a week – I was going 5 times a week, but it didn’t last.
3. Look into joining the YMCA – No need to, school has a great gym with good hours.
4. Eat Healthier – Yup. Feel better too.
5. Cut out Pop – Yup. Feel better too.
6. Swim at least 3 times a week – Nope, open swim isn’t that often, which really sucks.
7. Put together a spreadsheet(s) of all of my books, music, movies, Cross Stitch, and sewing stuff and keep a copy off site. – I’m still working on it.
8. Encourage and help N to do the same thing. -- Doesn't apply, since she died on the 16th of January.
9. Put Together My Reading List and try to buy those books, if not borrow them from the Library – Yes, I have it, but I haven’t had a chance to do a lot of reading for pleasure. Ick. Better luck in 2007.
10. Read at least two books a month, one should hopefully be a classic – Not a chance, once school started up == at least not for pleasure and not ones I’d read on my own. But a couple of them were actually pretty cool.
11. Put together Christmas gift idea list of things to get people – I did. And I even used it. I do have next year’s list started – well it’s this year’s since it’s already 2007.
12. Start Christmas Shopping Early -- I did. Good thing too.
13. Finish Christmas Shopping by November 15th. – Hehehehe – Nope. Still not finished.
14. Start Christmas Baking Early. Freeze if necessary. – I didn’t bake anything.
15. Have Cookie and Ornament Exchange the 1st week of December, with all ornaments and invitations being homemade. – Cancelled because of snow and I wasn’t up for it.
16. Put together a list of all of the things I need and want for the house, start getting them, slowly – Started it. It’s on hold until I buy a house of my own.
17. Clean, organize, and declutter my bedroom.-- Did it. Will need to do it again.
18. Clean, organize, and declutter the utility room. -- Did it.
19. Clean, organize, and declutter the garage - Did it.
20. Clean, organize, and declutter the living room. - Did it.
21. Take DD to Binder Park - Did it.
22. Take DD to Kalamazoo Air Zoo -- 2007?
23. Take DD to Utah to visit friends -- 2007?
24. Take DD to Dallas to visit family - Did it.
25. Take DD to John Ball Park Zoo -- 2007?
26. Take DD to Sleeping Bear Dunes -- 2007?
27. Spend more quality time with DD – Yes, I think I did. But it’s still something I need to work on.
28. Stay on top of finances (includes paying off bills whenever possible) –Mostly.
29. Stay on top of Schoolwork, -- Mostly. I made 3 A’s and a B this Semester. And I graduated from GRCC in May
30. Stay on the Dean’s list – New school, new rules, we’ll see if I made it. I didn’t for my last semester at GRCC, but really, it’s okay. I was happy to graduate. Last year was almost as bad as 2005. And that’s saying something.
31. Subscribe to National Geographic, Creating Keepsakes, Memory Makers, and Discovery, -- Yes.
32. Finish applying to Colleges- Did it.
33. Take DD to Bronner’s & Frankenmuth with my mom – Nope. Maybe in 2007
34. Weekend trip to Bronner’s and Frankenmuth with Mom, SIL, and Aunt – Yes. And it was fun. My aunts are a trip when they’re drunk.
Stitching and Sewing Goals
1. Finish W. Quilt – Still have to start it.
2. Finish W. Announcement - Did it.
3. Teach at least 1 person to Cross Stitch – I did. My friend from school and my niece.
4. Finish TW Storyteller -- LOL – Better luck in 2007
5. Re-do Nephew #3 birth announcement – Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
6. Stitch Niece #1 birth announcement -- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
7. Stitch Niece #2 birth announcement -- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
8. Stitch Nephew #5 birth announcement -- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
9. Finish scrap quilt for mom – Nope, got sidetracked with the Thimbleberries quilt, she’ll like that one.
10. Finish sweatshirt for Stepdad – Nope. Never got to it.
11. Finish Dragon Quilt for me – Nope, and the fabric got misplaced in the moves.
12. Finish Dutchman’s Puzzle, see if DBro wants it or give it to Uncle – Still couldn’t work on it.
13. Finish my costume, started last year – I don’t think so.
14. Sew DD Halloween Costume – Nope, she wanted a store bought one – it ripped within five minutes, we won’t go that route again.
15. Sew Summer clothes for DD – I did get some done.
16. Sew summer clothes for Niece #2 for her birthday-- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
17. Sew summer clothes for Niece #3 for her birthday -- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
18. Finish TW’s Celtic Cross – Nope, but I did work on it.
19. Find and Finish TW’s Futurecast - Did it. And a pic is listed on Ms. Wentzler's Website. Silmarwen
20. Kit Stretch – Nope, not yet.
21. Kit Tempest -- Nope, not yet.
22. Finish The Last Supper (need 36x20 fabric – 28 ct) – Needed new fabric, so it’s been started, but that’s it.
23. Start and Finish Celtic Banner – Hey, I started it. Frogged it. And restarted it. It’s good.
24. Start Resurrection Did it.
25. Stitch Orchid Afghan for Nana (find out which issues it was in and reorder them) – Nope. Needs repairs to finish it.
26. Finish Bird Afghan – Nope, who has time.
27. Subscribe to The Cross Stitcher, Stoney Creek Cross Stitch, The Stitchery, and Just Cross Stitch – I subscribed to one, and will do the rest later.
28. Subscribe to Quilt – Nope, not yet.
29. Find and kit Celtic Angel – Haven’t found it. I might just replace it. We’ll see.

So I accomplished some of my goals and made others. It was another one of those years. Well, 2007, should be much better!

Cheers.

In Rememberence

2006-12-07T19:50:00.000-05:00

65 years ago today, Pearl Harbor was bombed. Everyone was affected. Hundreds lost their lives. More lost parts of themselves, some physically, but more as they searched in vain for friends and family in the wreckage. The next day our country went to war.

To those who died and those who lived, we remember and salute you. Thank you.

About my Grades...

2006-12-05T12:23:00.000-05:00

If it's about my grades, and your belief that I can't handle the stress of the job I want, let me explain.

In August of 2005, I got home from school, said hello to my daughter, and recieved a phone call from my brother, stating that he'd be there in 10 minutes and we were going to Ann Arbor, UofM hospital. Dad was sick. I had ten minutes to pack, email my profs telling them what was up and didn't know when I'd be back in class, ask my roommate to watch my DD, and say good-bye to her before leaving for the 3 hour drive to the hospital. I kept in touch with a couple of people, while sitting beside my comatosed dad. 3 weeks later, we came home for 3 days. I took my finals and then we went back. One week before classes started, my dad died. I was busy with funeral stuff and didn't go to the first day of school. Two weeks later I learn my neice suffered one of the most destestable things possible at the hands of a reletive -- Court proceedings followed the next year. My SIL's grandparents died in November, and we had the first Thanksgiving without my dad. During finals, 4 days before Christmas, I nearly lost my brother and his entire family in a house fire. THey lost everything, but we had them. The first day of the next semester, my roomate, the woman who was like a mother to me and a grandmother to my DD, died. My DD and I found her. I stood on my own with my DD. And to top it all off, I have friends and family in the war. A man I was sort of seeing went active September 14th, 2001 and and hasn't been home since. Aside from that, this all happened in the last year.

Stress, I can handle. I pulled good grades A's and B's during the worst time, to date, of my life.

Did I include this in my essay -- no, because I stand on my own feet, not on excuses.

Pay It Forward

2006-11-30T19:08:00.000-05:00

In the true sense of the season and the spirit of Pay it forward, a complete stranger picked up the bill when my grandma, DD, and I went out to dinner last night. A true blessing. And as I was blessed, may I bless others.

Children...

2006-11-29T09:28:00.000-05:00

I was in the ER last night because I was a clutz and thought I broke my foot -- it's sprained -- but they had to take x-rays and my DD kept asking if she could see them. They gave me a splint and were going to discharge me when the tech realized the supervising doc hadn't seen me. All this time my DD is asking about the xrays and can she see them. The doc comes in, checks my foot and says I'm good to go. And my DD asks to see the X-rays. The doc says sure and takes her down to see the xrays. She was so excited to see my bones and that they were all okay.

And for Christmas, she'd already asked for a put together skelton and human body model -- the ones the book stores sell --

my DD the doctor???

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My DD asked me one night if she could sleep in my bed, because she will play in her room and she won't play in my room, because it's too mommyish.

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I love it when my DD opens the refridgerator and the cupboards after school looking for something to eat, only to come and tell me there is nothing to eat, and we need to go to the store to get groceries.

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"But mom, I can't have any Halloween candy, it's bad for me. Can I have an apple instead?"

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"But I don't want to read. It's too hard."

(told to my brother and me, and in the 40 minute reading period, she read half of an American Chiller)

The Root of the Emotions

2006-11-28T22:45:00.000-05:00

I talked with a couple of my friends and was able to get to the root of my problems -- well some of them anyway. It all boils down to I want what I can't have. It's not something I can buy, borrow, or even make. I want my mother's approval and unconditional love. I know she loves me. I know that if it were me sitting in my sister's hospital bed, after losing her fingers at work, she'd never leave, she'd do as much for me as she did for my step-sister.

I can't have her approval, so now I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

Mixed Emotions

2006-11-09T00:18:00.000-05:00

Emotions and relationships have to be the two most complicated subjects ever!

Lately, I've been experiencing feelings that piss me off. Rather shameful ones. They are to me. Bad and inappropriate. My one sister tells me that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are and that it is your actions that are good or bad. She has point. I don't plan on acting on my emotions, they aren't anyone else's fault. I do plan on ridding myself of them though.

I have a friend that went through something like I did and followed basically the same course of action. For her it's been months, for me years. She goes out with her friends and every single guy in the place is ogling and trying to pick her up, she's not even trying. Me, I go out with friends, and guys run. Even given our physical differences -- she's tall and statuesque, and I'm not so much. Short and a bit overweight (and yes I realize that is one source of my problem), but there's more to it than that.

Example, when you are at a restaurant, the waitor/waitress usually look to the guy or the most obivious leader of the group. I went out with some of my friends and the waitress looks to me. Mind you, there is a guy in our group.

It gets a bit old, when everytime I'm ready to start dating or am getting close, yet again, God throws a curve ball, and I don't get it. I don't meet anyone. Not for me. NOt a soulmate or even a boyfriend. I now have less stress and pressing things in my life and I'm surrounded by 18 - 24 year olds, which at my age, are so undateable. I'm fast becoming jaded. TO the extent of "love is overrated". Interesting lessons I'm learning. I've got patience, I've got tolerance (mostly), I've got strength and confidence. I've been taught I need to lean on someone, but it's like a carrot -- just out of sight -- like God is saying "here this is what you need, but I'm not going to give it to you." Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled with my friend's luck and growth that's she's going through, it just points out more area that I don't measure up in. I stand on my own two feet, I've fought hard to get here, and I now I feel like I"m being punished, or refused for it. eehhh, what the H*ll.

wow, that sounds a lot like a whine. Crap.

Weather Sign

2006-10-13T14:07:00.000-04:00

Everyday on my way from classes to the parking ramp, I pass by this section of grass that has 3 old oak trees and a couple of other trees that produce red berries. I prefer walking on the grass than the cement walk way and as I do, I cannot take a step without crushing 4 or 5 acorns and the squirrels (1 to 3) don't stop in their frantic gathering to acknowledge my presence. They are either so use to humans that their presence no longer bothers them or they are so worried about the upcoming winter they don't care. Or it could be some combination of the two. I can't read animal actions when it comes to winter, but I acknowledge theat their instincts are generally correct when it comes to surival and weather. Me, I'm not sure what this winter is going to look at since we got somewhere between 5.5 & 8 inches of snow yesterday. (but it was just suppose to be a few showers.) If snow this early in October is any indication, it could be pretty bad. And my campus doesn't close. hmmmmmmmmm

The Stitching Basket

2006-09-18T00:25:00.000-04:00

The Wedding Announcement is finished, and now just has to be washed and framed. It is Dragon Dreams Fantasy Wedding Blessing . Here is my version -- #1 and #2, and yes they are upside down. I also have updates of the Celtic Banner , TW Celtic Cross, and The Resurrection and the Life. Here is a pic of Stoney Creek's The Gathering Place that I sent out for my RR.

Backpack Dump

2006-09-17T19:42:00.000-04:00

School has started once again. Okay, so it started on the 5th of September. But I've been busy.

So, I walk into my first class on the first day, and I'm looking at a class with 40 individual desks. And I had to wonder what happened to the classrooms filled with hundreds of students, I'd heard about. The second class was set up the same way. It wasn't until my third and last class of the day, I sat in one of those type of halls -- holds 100 students. It was different.

I have 3 upper level classes and 1 lower level class. And wow, can I tell the difference. The three upper level classes have 1 paper, a midterm, and a final for the grading, and that's it. And the lower level has daily quizzes, 3 or 4 tests and a final, and attendance is counted. Very different. I'm an adult in the other 3 classes. Yeah.

I like all of my classes, which is good. My dd also likes her school, which is very good, though I'm not so sure about it. We'll see what happens.

Well Duh!

2006-09-12T08:32:00.000-04:00

What idiot actually thought people would be 'over' what happened in 9/11? Probably some moron who has never actually lost anyone or anything. More booksmarts than common sense. (It was a reporter, who seemed surprise at the amount of pain emenating from people. Idjit)

That may seem harsh to some people, but look at it. Really. If you've lost someone or know someone who has, ask yourself, do you ever get 'over it'? My parents lost their youngest son to cancer when he was 4, 21 years ago, and until my father's dying day, he never forgot, he never stopped wondering, asking, thinking, or loving my brother. My mom is still alive, and deals with those questions all of the time, with added guilt over whether she caused it. Logic work in matters of the heart really well. I nearly lost my daugther, nearly not lose, 7 years ago, still scares me sh*tless. And if you really need to get your head out of your a**, ask the survivors from previous wars and attacks, if they are 'over it'.

Where Were You....

2006-09-11T21:22:00.000-04:00

Do you rememer where you were, when you heard about New York, Pennsylvania, or the Pentagon?

This year movies have come out about the day, about the events that took place. And I've resisted saying too much. I don't think I'm ready to see it as Hollywierd would have me see it. That is something to be done years from now. Another decade or two, when the wounds aren't so fresh. Until this year, I've resisted watching the news coverage of what happened. I remember where I was, I remember watching it live, I remember. With heart wrenching detail I remember. I wasn't there, I was safe at work several states away. I didn't know anyone personally in any location. But I cried. I cried then and I cried today. And I had to explain to my now 7 year (almost 8) old DD why.

In five years, much has changed. My country wasn't the only one affected, many were. Both by the act and the aftermath. My travels are now endless security screenings, my freedom's have been encrouched on by the government in the name of security. And I don't feel more secure, I feel more vulnerable. Now, I wonder what the government will do and what our enemies will do.

And yet, an interesting thing happened that day. Two things. Americans became united. Proud of who they are. And most of the world became united. United in pain, senseless, needless pain. It brought us together like nothing else has.

My heart aches today much as it did then. I have more worries now, I have friends, family, in the midst of the fighting. I have guilt for not being there, and hope that it ends soon, with no more dead soldiers. No more flags at half-staff for soldiers who should've come home and didn't.

By time my daughter gets into highschool, today will be an established event, possibly with ceremonies that begin to lose true meaning. By the time my grandchildren learn of 9/11 and the tragedy and ensuing war, it'll be just another historical date to memorize and regurgitate in a boring history class that they are taking because it is required. And they will understand none of the pain I feel now.

Time doesn't necessarily heal wounds, it just takes out the emotion for ensuing generations.

Seen in passing...

2006-08-17T22:53:00.000-04:00

"I took your place--"

May we be worthy of the sacrifice.

Why Does Hollywierd ....

2006-08-15T23:27:00.000-04:00

...think that after only 5 years, people are really ready to relieve the horror of 9/11? I mean, really... I remember where I was and how I felt...

...and all I got was a....

2006-08-13T23:56:00.000-04:00

tin of note cards....

I watched my brother's 4 kids and mine all weekend while they took the bike (Triumph) and rode up to Taquamenon Falls in the U.P. with my mom and stepdad (Harley) and my aunt and uncle (victory), and all I got was a tin of note cards. Granted they are Amy Brown note cards with some of the coolest faeries on them. But still --- note cards vs. motorcycle ride... this is so not fair!

My mom said I needed a husband that could ride before I could come on a trip with them, to which I replied "B*ll Sh*t. I just need a bike." So basically, she won't let me come on along because I'm not a couple. I'll just remember that when it's time for me to go to Ireland or Europe or Seattle or where ever... "sorry, mom, it's just for singles."

In other news though, I'm managing to make my director's life a nightmare -- only sort of -- I finished a short script, the first draft, to shoot this fall. It'll fun. It's cute, kinda artsy, which is so not my style, but since I have to do it (yes, its a choice, but I like being on the set, so I choose to work) I figure, I should give the director as much grief as possible. It makes me happy. Happy writer -- happy people... right... I think so.

P.S. -- yes, all of the kids are still around to give their parents grief. Because I must share. :)

If You Love...

2006-08-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

If you love an alpha, should you ask them to stop doing what it is they do that they enjoy? Not just alpha, but anyone. Why marry someone if you hope/plan to change them? That makes them not the person you fell in love with. And you must step back and ask if you really love them, or are you just settling? Are they?

Memories from Lowry AFB

2006-08-06T12:50:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure exactly why memories from 3450th Training Squadron at Lowry AFB hit me so suddenly today. There were so many people I'd love to talk to again, we were great friends and sometimes more. There was the weekend that we helped my friend take his first steps into a Viking relgion, there were nights spent talking, watching movies, and generally trying to get through training. THe ones I remember are Bill T, Heather J, Ben D, and mostly there was Eric M. Its been a few years since I last thought of them. I don't know where any of them are any more, but I hope they've all found peace, love, and happiness. I look to the stars, and still see my friends, my comrades, my brothers and sister, and will always remember you. Peace my friends. May you know it in your heart and always.

And it gets bigger and bigger and...

2006-08-03T00:48:00.000-04:00

...bigger... my family that is...well, specifically, my brother's family, because if it was my family, I'd have woken up half the country by now with both shouts of happiness and way to many questions. Oh, where was I, oh yeah, the growing family... my brother and his wife have four kids == Sean, Naomi, Lauren, and Jakob (in order oldest to youngest) and my SIL is now pregnant for #5. Five. Yup. Five. And now, they say they are done. hehehehe. They decided on 4 (the rest of us knew different-- we thought) and then said, in a daring act of bravery or stupidity, they said that if God thought they should have more He'd let them know. My brother was going in for his snip-snip next week. :) I'm still laughing. :) Though, I do welcome the addition to the family. And yes, there is a hint of envy in that comment.

I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-02T22:29:00.000-04:00

I finished the fantasy story I've been working on. It's a short story, and its the first draft that I finished but, I FINISHED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *this is me screaming and dancing all over the place* :)

I'm giving it a rest until this weekend and then I'll take a look at it again. Make changes and such. I might revise it a couple of more times before sending in. I'm not quite sure, we'll see what happens.

If I Ruled the land....

2006-07-30T23:11:00.000-04:00

It's test day...

This one is from Whiz

If You Ruled the Land . . . by wackyweasel

Your first name:

How you gained your rule:

Your title is:

Your Royal Beauteous Grace on High

Your symbol is:

a Jack Russel terrier, because of Wishbone

You rule from:

a mountaintop mansion

At your side is:

your unicorn steed, Sparkles

Your enforcers, troops, and guards are all:

elves - with WINGS!!

Your most popular law is:

"National Pajamas Day"

Your least popular law is:

Electro-shock collars for stupid people

Your worst enemy is:

Johnny Depp - possibly hotter than you in good light

Your popularity rating is:: 75%

Your chance of being overthrown is:: 16%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Nerd Testing

2006-07-30T22:43:00.000-04:00

Found this on both Suz and Stasha's blog.

um....hm...not sure if this is good or bad...not competing with Suz and Stasha!

Randomness

2006-07-30T22:22:00.000-04:00

From Stasha

Because it was fun...

Dad's Room

2006-07-25T10:46:00.000-04:00

The house I grew up in, has been sold. It was on the market for a day before we got an offer. We countered. They accepted. The house has full finished basement. One room in the basement has been my dad's workroom for nearly as long as we've lived there. Yesterday my brother, SIL, my dad's best friend, and I started packing up my dad's workroom. I cried. There are a lot of memories in that room. My dad had every nook and corner filled -- office supplies, war games, old board games we had played as kids, models of ships, planes, and cars, old sci-fi and fantasy books and magazines. An old copy of the Lord of the Rings books, Horatio Hornblower, etc. Shelves and shelves of Civil War reference books, maps, photos, and other assorted material. There were also reference material on the Napoleonic wars, and World Wars I and II. There were boxes and boxes of Magic The Gathering cards, Star Trek Cards, Star Fleet Battles, and more. There shelves, boxes, butter and coffee containers full of miniture lead figures. Most unpainted, but a lot of them he hand painted. The figure's are maybe an inch high and he painted eyes, mustaches, and mouths on them. We found certificates of appreciation and world's greatest dad's thingy's stuck in a folder, protected. We found things of us kids there. Memories he kept sacred and those he wanted to escape. It was hard, but exciting and interesting at the same time. It was my dad's inner santcum. His private retreat. A place none of us dared go into without his okay. Not even Barb did. In a house where him and his kids were slowly erased, this was all dad's. The walls were covered with shelves and those that weren't, were covered with jokes. I remember him sitting on his stool, looking through a lit, magnifying glass painting civil war figures with paint brushes with maybe one or two bristles in them. Battle flags were painted on kleenex and then wrapped around wire as thin as mechanical pencil lead. Maybe thinner.

I missed him all over again.

Knots

2006-07-20T14:23:00.000-04:00

My stomach is tight and knotted. It has been for three days. It's not the kind of knotted feeling that results from a stomach bug, but the kind you get when you know your beloved's life hangs in the balance and you are powerless to help. It is a feeling I don't understand, no one I know or love is in danger, and I have yet to meet my soul-mate. All I can say is, whomever it is, be safe and come back soon.

Money and Kin

2006-07-19T21:06:00.000-04:00

I sit here in the early hours of night and wonder what is it that I've gotten myself into. There is something that some humans value more than anything else. Something that others say is important but not as important as their God. Something that others kill for.

Money. It's one of those things confuses me. I'm not afraid of it. I don't necessarily like what it does to people I know and love. Yes, I realize money is an inanimate object and therefore can't make thinking beings do anything. But it's possession has caused untold horror and suffering.
When it comes to money, yes I'm probably over my head. But honestly, I just don't understand it's importance and necessity.

Humans, and those who are not but forced to live in this world anyway, work all of the time, usually at jobs they can't stand for things they can't take with them. People work 52 weeks a year in a hope to get 1 or 2 weeks free to spend on vacation, usually fixing their house or staying home because they can't afford to go anywhere. SOme uninformed beings compete with each other in trying to work the most hours in a single week for companies that will not remember them a week after they leave (involuntary or voluntary). WHy? Progress? Why is less time to spend with people you love and care about progress? If you are too tired to spend time with your family, read a book, or even pursue a hobby, then what good is it?

Advertising companies tell us, it's what we need. Everyone has it, and to be happy we must have what everyone else has. Are we so stupid as to believe a bunch of people sitting in some distance office caring only about their bank accounts? The best times I've had are spent camping with close friends and family in the woods with a communal fire, where stories and laughter are ever present. And music from those that can actually play.

I know that to survive in this world and to give my daughter the best chances, I need to learn how to deal with money and manage it. I don't. I admit that. I just really don't see its necessity. It's seems like a stupid way to live your life -- always at some else's beck-and-call. If you need money, want money (healthy attitude and knowing how to use it or not) you still are still at the beck and call of bosses, the increase and decrease of your finances are still at the beck call of comanies, banks, and shareholders, who mostly only care about their own bank accounts.

We call cultures/peoples without a money system primitive. But are they? Does it have to be a hand to mouth exsistance? Is it so horrible?

We live in a place that is saying it's okay, and preferable to live on credit. To live beyond your means. It's in the culture -- most of them seem to be going that way. America is there, most of the industrialized countries are either on their way or they're there too. Our Great-grandparents, shoot, most of our grandparents would cringe that we live on credit, and that it's okay.

But even if you live with your means, have a healthy attitude towards money, and can manage it. Having it and retaining is still at the whim of others.

Money is something I don't understand its necessity, its place, its anything. But for my daughter's sake, I'd like to learn enough about it to teach her the right way and how not to let money control her or not to let it be more important than her family or her friends.

LIfe isn't about who gets there first or with the most, Life is about the journey. Its about what we leave behind. I'd rather have a simple life, but full of love and trusted friends and family than opulance surrounded by shallow people who only want to be seen with the 'right' people, that are near you because you have 'it'.

No, I don't envy those who have more money than I do. Nor do I consider myself naive. I simply don't get it.

Big Families

2006-07-13T23:49:00.000-04:00

It is ironic that I am thinking of my only child and how she will be in 30 or 40 years when people I know and love are still wishing for one. I was watching a show on tv where this woman underwent a risky surgery to hopefully have kids. And then she did have a child. She said something that struck a cord in me. With one child what happens in thirty or forty years at holidays and family gathering type things. There she (in the woman's case it was a he) is all by herself, unless she has a husband or significant other. But who does she lean on when I go? Who does she celebrate the holidays with? THere is the argument that with only child, we as parents, can do more for that one child. Which is true. I don't think I could afford gymnastics team lessons for two or more kids. But at the same time, isn't that just a bit selfish on the part of parents... we can afford one kid, lets stay with that...who the he*l are we kidding, kids are expensive, even one. You don't have kids or raise kids because they are cheap. You have them/raise them for love. While I'm not in the position to have more kids at this point in time, I do want them. And I'm pretty sure that if another child were to become part of my life before school is finished (the reason I don't feel I'm in the position to have more kids) I could do it. Almost everyone seems to be wanting 2.13 kids, preferably one boy and one girl. But why? because the Jones' only have 2.13 kids and have the huge house, with all of the toys and gadgets and gizmos. Well, that's the dumbest reason in the history of humanity. One of my friends says two works for her because she is concerned about giving enough of herself to each child and wouldn't want to compromise the welfare of other kids just to have more. That makes sense. Most of us, if we try hard enough, actually know ourselves and what we can handle. But for some people it's an excuse. Two kids, a boy and girl, one mom and one dad. The perfect American family --- established when -- when JFK was in office? Just like when Clinton was in office every Hollyweird movie and tv show featured a President with one child. And there abouts everyone wants only one child. MInd you that this just a passing thought. But think about it, because we are afraid of not being able to afford all of the toys we think we must have we limit the number of children we have now, are we really doing a disservice to future generations. Doomed to lonely holidays, because their parents are gone (because face it, no one lives forever) and they don't have a sibling to share with. Or maybe they have one, but because they didn't have to figure out how to love and forgive, they never see them anymore.

Red Velvet and Shell Casings

2006-07-13T00:25:00.000-04:00

For some reason as I was driving home my mind wandered back to my father's funeral. It was a sunny, hot (I think) August day. The cemetary was quiet. There were four folding chairs covered in red velvet slip coverings lined up next to the gravesite. Barb sat first then her daughter then my grandmother and then me. My mom sat behind me. My brother was a pall bearer along with two of my dad's friends and my uncle. It was rounded out by my brother's best friend and Barb's son and I think her brother. Off to one side stood the honor guard. I remember one of the honor guard carried the flag over to me and put it in my arms along with bullet casings after they'd been fired int he gun salute. I cried the whole time. But after a while I think my mom told me that everyone was waiting for me to make a move. Everyone was waiting on me. At about the same time, the honor guard guy walked over and told someone, I don't know who == but I overheard him anyway, and asked that I be told that the honor guard who had served at the ceremony were all submariners. Every one of them. I think I said thank you and that it meant a lot to me. It did. A lot. I have the flag and the shells. The shells are packed away and the flag is sitting on my bookshelf. My dad is never far away. He was a wonderful man. HOnored. He showed others how to not quit. He worked long after many others would've quit. He never used his failing health as an excuse or as means for drawing attention to himself.

Bitter Sweet Weekend

2006-06-26T01:18:00.000-04:00

It was a bitter sweet weekend. On Saturday, my best friend was married at Derbyshire Ren Faire. As happy as I was for her, I was sad too. My roommate, Nancy, died in January just before the Lunar New Year. Nancy was my friend's aunt. She wanted to see them married, hoped for it, but never made it.

Our Blessing -- I hope their marriage is blessed in every way, that they remember that marriage is work, it takes two on all things. I hope that whatever challenges come their way, they hold fast to each other and to their beliefs.

I know Nancy wanted the same for them. To see my friend, her niece, happy and loved. Protected and cared for.

Many years of blessed happiness my friends.

Really Sucky Weekends

2006-06-18T00:12:00.000-04:00

This is going to be one of those really sucky weekends. I know it is. I can tell, because, really, I want a drink. A lot of them. We were at Derbyshire Ren Faire today shooting video for the commericial. The part of my brain that realizes and recognizes what days are and what holidays are coming, knew that tomorrow was Father's Day, but didn't quite register it all the way. On the way from the Swords of Valour /Kingdom of Asmiria Fight List with one of the SOV's fighter's for the last shot for the commerical, he and my two companions were talking about dad's. How their (my 2 female companions) dad's were basically all whacked out and over protective. And then how he (the fighter) had planned things for his daughter. And the only thing I could think about was how much I missed my dad. I hid behind a tree and cried for a bit. Then the director came over and asked what was wrong. He understands (the whole been there, gone through that thing) but, I dry my eyes, put on my nothings-wrong-ignore-the-emotions-it's-time-to-work-attitude and face, come out from behind the tree, grab my gear (boom operator and production manager -- it's heavy gear), and am ready to go. Only one person knows of my breakdown. Everything is well. I don't cry any more. I probably will tomorrow. I might. I don't know. I'm having a wine cooler tonight even though I know better. One of my rules -- never drink when you're (me) is in a highly emotional state. It's not a lot of alcohol. But I don't drink under normal circumstances, so this is a lot, and something I probably shouldn't do, but I will remember, because I'm not going to get drunk. Just relaxed. I miss my dad. A lot. The other day I wanted to call and verify my lasagna recipe with him and ask about his cheese soup recipe and the mini-bran muffins he used to make. Had the phone almost in hand. Took his number out of memory. Had to. Hurts. Lots. It's ironic in a way, that Derbyshire opened Father's Day weekend. Because it was my dad who took me to the Michigan Ren Faire when I was 12 or 13. I remember the jousts and the brightly colored boothes and garbed men walking around gnawing on huge turkey legs. He is at least partly responsible for my love of history and faires.

Unreasonable Fear

2006-06-16T10:07:00.000-04:00

It'd be wonderful if I could escape from the unreasonable fear that grips me every once and a while. Shoot, it'd be great not to go through it in the first place. But it happens. Every time we go to the doctor for something other than routine. Like yesterday when I took my DD to the doctor because Friday she had a pimple, plus hair where there wasn't any, and back pain. Again. Urinalysis came out normal. So did the microscopic one. Yesterday it was blood work. To check for the presence of sex hormones. And to check for kidney function. Or more likely -- failing kidneys. So, once again I'm scared. And I shouldn't be. She's an athlete. Injuries happen. She's growing up (whetherI want her to or not). But, really, I'm not ready for her to be starting with puberty. She's 7. It truly sucks when fear and doubt creep in. I suppose I should get used to it. I just don't want to.

Keys and Clue-by-Fours

2006-05-26T14:32:00.000-04:00

The most interesting things happen when you least expect it. Innocent conversations turn down a deeper path. You are shown a box (mine is wood, carved by someone who cared) and handed not crowbar but a small key and told to try it. On faith.

No clue-by-fours, when there probably should've been at least one, probably more. But I'm starting to see where I need to go. Which path to take (it's the one that's faint and barely there, not even a true path, just faint footsteps of a group of people travelling in the same general direction.).

Another Depressing Book

2006-05-18T01:04:00.000-04:00

Really -- what is it with authors of non-genre fiction -- Literature *shivers* -- that believe that the only good ending is a horribly sad ending? I read this one book that is totally engrossing with really good characters and a good story that was well written -- hate the pov chosen though -- first person present -- ugh with small hangup -- through the whole thing you expect victory for the main character -- and expect the supporting character - her sister -- to not win = do you get it? NOpe. Shortly after winning her case the heroine is killed in a car accident. And still you are denied the full dawning realization of the parents. ugh. If I had known it was a tragic ending like Romeo and Juliet, I would never have read the book. And now, if ya'll don't mind, I'm going to go read something where good can still win, evil loses, and hope never dies. Too much in the fantasy realm? Really, with how hard and inescapable our lives become, with more stress and trauma than we think our bodies and souls can take, is it so much to ask to be reminded that miracles can happen? That good still prevails? That evil is vanquished? That there is still a place for hope and love? Or are we so grounded in science and realism that we forget to live, breathe, believe, love? Love isn't science its emotion. Emotion takes guts. Science takes nothing.

As I Was Working ...

2006-05-11T00:14:00.000-04:00

When I sit down to write, I always have music on that suits my project. Well, I'm working on a short fantasy right now that I can figure out what music to play with it, so I put in LOTR -- Fellowship of the Ring and I start writing. I look up and Legolas is looking shocked (Gandalf has just died) and confused. I continue writing and look up a few pages later, and Boramir has died. I wrote quite a bit tonight. But the emotional impact of those two scenes reminded me of where I need to be with my own work.

Thoughts on a Discussion

2006-05-08T23:04:00.000-04:00

My friend and I had a discussion about the message given by their pastor Sunday --

He said "Only Jesus is the true child of God, the rest of us were adopted, accepted, and brought into His family."

Think about it....

Scary Isn't It

2006-05-08T13:48:00.000-04:00

One of the scariest things in the world -- at least to me -- is when you realize your body and brain can no longer handle what they have been and start to shut down. It's started out simply -- requiring extra effort to concentrate on lectures -- I have a really good friend who sat near me and helped me out -- either by caring on converstations or playing hangman (while still takeing notes) so that my brain could stay engaged long enough to get through class. Easily distracted. Sleeping, or trying to sleep more. It's really scary. It's even scarier when you realize what is going on and why. Summer this year = recovery.

Bitter Sweet

2006-05-08T07:59:00.000-04:00

I graduated this past Friday with an Associates in Arts and hopefully an Associates in Science. As I sat through practice at 8:30 in the morning, I realized that the two people who should be there the most, weren't. My dad supported me even when b*tchlet (his fiancee) barely allowed us into his house. And Nancy, I wouldn't have been able to make it through school without her. And while I know they were there in spirit, neither would miss it for the world, it isn't the same. And I miss them both terribly.

Sometimes excitement is just an excuse to hide the pain.

Finals Wrap Up

2006-05-04T08:15:00.000-04:00

They're done. I'm done. Well, for the summer. I'm excited. Photography Show and Tell went well. Everyone did good. Beginner class -- 'what's a camera?' to 'I like it, but I would've liked to ....' . It was fun. I'd like to take more. But I already blogged that. Women's Lit -- I winged it. I passed. Chemistry and A&P -- maybe pass, maybe fail. This from a straight A student who last year flipped out at anything less than an A. F--- It. That has been my attitude lately. But I have a pretty good idea why.

At the start of 2005 my dad was in the hospital every 2 weeks and we never knew if he was going to come out of it or not. August 3rd, it was a Wednesday, I get a call from my brother, we're heading to Ann Arbor, we'll be there in 10 minutes. August 28th, my dad died. Three weeks later, we find out that my niece was abused by someone we all know. Four Days before Christmas my brother's house burns down with them just barely getting out. I wasn't even a full minute away from burying my entire family. Three weeks later my nephew is born (hey, look a bright spot). 8 days later, on Jan. 16th, my roommate and one of my best friends dies. I found her. I knew right away. I have guilt. Lots of it. I have a schedule of classes I can't keep, but because I'm financial aid probation, I can't change. So I don't stop running. I make it to my classes, barely. My brain and my body are calling it quits. I've been sick since January, it's getting worse. Survival mode kicked in and there is nothing I can do about it. And really, at this point I don't want too. Something had to give -- I knew this -- it gave -- I just didn't realize that it wouldn't be something so mundane as classes or a committment -- sometimes, just sometimes, knowing yourself this well, sucks. No place to run. No place to hide. The most I hope for right now is recovery. Recoup. Does my family know? Care? Understand? Nope. The biological ones don't. But sometimes, biology isn't everything. So for now, I'll huddle in on myself for a few days before starting down a new road not back to where I was, but back to where I need to be.

Observations

2006-04-29T21:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, so in between moving and studying, I had to go to my nieces birthday party -- now, my brother, step-dad, and uncle all ride motorcyles. Each a different brand -- Triumph, Harley Davidson, and Victory respectively. When motorcyclist get together, especially when they are going to ride (it's not raining or snowing and above 32, it's riding weather) must wear t-shirts depicting the name and logo of their bikes. :) At least the guys do.

Photography Wrap Up

2006-04-29T08:09:00.000-04:00

So, this coming Tuesday is the show and tell for my photography class. I'm nervous and excited. I can't wait to see what other's have been doing, but I'm not so sure I want to share my stuff. I spent 5 hours in the darkroom Friday and 4 hours on Thursday. In total I printed 6 photographs and two proof sheets. And I still have a lot to do yet. Ugh. But that'll wait. Warning -- my brain is slowly turning to mush because finals are next week. All on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So, ooooh shiny is so in effect right now. Anyway. I printed 6 photo's and mounted 4. Two I mounted were the topic the prof chose (hot dog art). Personally, I didn't care for either of them (hot dog matches and hot dog, food, and my dad's flag). The normal hot dog one, the food is out of focus because I was focusing in on the stars on the flag and not the food. So depth of field plays into it and there is a slightly blurry photo. I'm NOT reshooting hot dogs again. NOpe. Not gonna happen. So, I then printed a photo that eventually will go to my friend C, because of what it looks like to me (it's a tree in the shape of a man) and how it ties in with a story she's writing (it's really good, but not mine, so I can't tell you -- send good publishing thoughts and maybe you'll be able to read it soon). My other friend, one of her characters has a house in EGR that I wanted to shoot for her, but she couldn't remember the address or anything so, I didn't get to do that one, yet. And so, at the last minute I decided to print one last photo, even though I hadn't done a proof sheet and I didn't have time to do either. But, I did. And it is my favorite photo. I didn't do anything to it, but it'd be interesting to see how it'd look if I did. My Best friend and I and her fiancee and DD went to dinner last night, and he wants a copy of the print. And suggests that I submit it to the GR Festival of Arts. I'm considering it, but I don't know. I'm doing the "I'm-a-beginner-what-chance-do-I-have-of-even-getting-in-let-alone-winning-anything" attitude going. We went to the bookstore so I could get a gift for a friend of mine in need of me time, wait that's all of my friends, but the gift is for one of them, but they didn't have the book I wanted -- it's another friend's book, and really good and light (humorous). We were looking at photography magazines and I made the comment that I wanted to learn more about B&W photography, as I was pawing through some of the mags, and was told I didn't need to learn more, I already knew about composition. To which I looked at him like he had four heads and blue skin. I said no, I didn't. Because the one's he liked, and a lot of the ones I liked, arent' the ones I set up, they're the ones I basically point and shot, which since I have a manual (Thank you John and Stasha) camera, isn't that fast, but still, you get the picture. So I was told I should try large or medium format, which I admit to wanting to learn -- but, at the moment, I'm not in a position to know anyone locally who does either that I can learn from, and while I love to read, I don't learn very well from it. Hands on application requires hands on learning. Sometimes, it's a bad thing, but it's how I work. Gotta love my brain -- it's wired wierd even for creative people. And while I did point out that when it comes to depth of field and motion I still have no clue, it was brushed aside. Now, I'm thinking that might just matter. But he and my best friend want me to enter the one print (stone table in a foresty setting) into the contest and said people would buy it. I laughed. It's one thing to want my photo's on my walls, it's another story to want them on someone else's walls. Pardon the ramble, but I just moved into this new apartment, and I was looking for art to put on my walls, and decided, that while I liked the photo's, I'd rather have my stuff on my walls, because it was mine. So, I will. My SIL rescued DD from after-school care last night and when I pulled up to their house, DBro's brand new Triumph was sitting at an angle (a bad one too. :( ), and I talked later, he's going to give me money for a roll of film (he's like how much does it cost, I said I didn't know I bought six rolls at a time -- really need to find a place to buy in mass quantitites, photo stores ran out of the film all photo students in GRCC's program use. That sucked.) so that I can take photos of his bike. I want to get his bike, my SDad's bike (new Harley), and my uncle's bike (Victory) all together, too. I will be becoming a member at the UICA so I can rent space in their darkroom. Because, right now, I have a bathroom that I can use as a temporary darkroom, and while getting the trays and chemicals is reletively easy and inexpensive, I'm pretty sure the enlarger and the lightbulbs are not. And if I do manage to learn large or medium format (can you say more cameras than people and creatures) will it work for the larger negetive? The one's at school are set for 35mm film. But they are removable, so maybe, but not necessarily, and I don't have a lot of extra storage space. And it is the only light tight room in my house -- apartment. So, I learned that I love photography and that I need a cheap point and shoot for color family events that I want to scrapbook (it's too much work -- right now-- to print 24 pics that I'm going to cut up and stick in a photo album and with my manual, I'm never happy with the way family photo's turn out, well maybe if they sat STILL, I might, but that's not ever gonna happen -- my mom has 9 grand kids -- hehehe -- so point and shoot with color film), a digital because it'd be cool (OMG, did I say that outloud? and yes, I realize that I can use the digital as a point and shoot but you missed the part where I cut pics up to scrapbook them -- and I'm not going to buy a special printer with special paper for several hundreds of dollars when for $5 ($7 if I want them on a CD too) I can get doubles of my roll of film that I don't have to replace the ink on, and they're archivable), more lenses (wide angle and zoom at least) for my camera, and I want to explore larger formats. And I still write, go to school, and work for indie film company. NOt to mention wedding attire to sew for this June (and I still don't know what I'm going to be making -- very scary) and I've been asked to make costumes for another indie company (not Doodle Doll, which I helped to found) but another one, which I think might have bitten off more than they can chew given their resources (less than ours). Really, it's a good thing I graduate next Friday (Associates in Arts and and Associates in Sciences). No classes this summer. Good thing too.

Where Else?

2006-04-03T18:22:00.000-04:00

Where else but Michigan can you experience all four seasons in one city without driving anywhere in the space of a workday?

I woke up to it raining -- typical, usually, in the spring. Just before lunch time it started snowing. After lunch it was windy but no snow or rain. And at 3 the sun was out and it was warm. Gotta love it.

Spring Break - Day 7

2006-03-24T07:01:00.000-05:00

March 11, 2006
Lewisville, TX

Day 7

It’s still several hours until our flight leaves and we are almost completely packed. I’m up early and wanted to get a bit of work done, not to mention enjoy the solitude. I have mixed feelings about leaving. In a way I’m not ready, but in another way, I am. I miss my family. I don’t miss the cold. I miss my friends. But since I talked to everyone regularly, it wasn’t as if I was constantly thinking about them. DD is extremely homesick though. She’s been wanting to go home for several days, though she swears that this is where she wants to live when she gets older. It’s too hot in the summer for me. My mom misses us. I don’t know if all of use will come back next year or if it will be just me when nationals are here.

DD is disappointed because we didn’t get to Fort Worth, the Cowgirl Museum, or the stockyards, so those are definite do’s when we come back. I’d like to see the aquarium again and the art museum too. But the Art Museum and the Aquarium are a bus ride away from the Adam’s Mark, or I could walk or hire a cab. Especially if several of us went. I’d like to walk around the mall in Dallas, just to see. There is one that has an ice skating rink in it, which would be really cool.

And there is also the fact that Plano, which is only a few minutes from my Uncle’s house, is where Bela Karole’s gym is. Which is only the best in the country.

I’m looking ahead to Utah and to the trip to Nationals this summer. I thought about flying, but if I did that I wouldn’t get to meet Karen, Wendy, and Lisa. And possibly Margaret. But even the trip to Nationals is up in the air. A lot will be happening between now and then. Including moving, working, and a new college.

DD and Grandma are up now. DD joined Libby Lu while we were here, and I think she thinks that there are actual meetings that she can go to, there aren’t. But I think she misses being part of something. So dance and gymnastics it is and maybe campfire come the fall. We’ll see. I don’t know what’s going to happen at this point in time though.

We went to visit Texas Women’s University this morning, I grabbed some information about it, including an application. I took a lot of pictures. Then we went to see the largest house in North America – I did get a couple of pictures of it. We went back to my aunt's, packed our carry-on’s and loaded our suitcases. I would’ve loved a couple of more days with my uncle. But he is coming up in a couple of months. I’m thrilled. We went to Boston Market for lunch.

We had an uneventful flight out of Dallas and into Chicago. We got a car to take us from our arrival gate to our departure gate – that was a blast.

And now back to the cold weather…though the gate information says it’s 59°F in Grand Rapids…. Hmmmmmmmmmm

Well, we almost didn’t make it out of Chicago tonight. Apparently, some idiot at United sent an smaller version of the 737 we were suppose to take back to GR. How much smaller? 15 seats. Not necessarily a big number, unless you happened to be in those rows and its an overbooked plane. Rows 3, 21, and 20 had been eliminated – we had seats in row 20. And I was pretty much okay with that – until I talked to my mom and she told me to calm down. And then I did what was expected of me – I got angry. It wasn’t the guy at the counter’s fault, they told him 10 minutes before they started boarding, but he got the brunt of everyone’s anger. Enough people voluntarily stayed in Chicago, so we were able to come home tonight.

So here ends our vacation. DD and I are both excited to fly again. And so now I’m contemplating flying out to Utah in May, instead of the train, especially since the train is now scheduled to get into Salt Lake City at 11:00 at night. There’s no fun in that. So a train trip will come later I suppose. This vacation was just what we both needed, and I know one thing – another year will not pass without me taking at least one. Even if it’s three days long and a hotel in BFE. Nope, not going to happen. 12 years is too long to wait to go on a real vacation.

Spring Break -- Day 6

2006-03-11T09:02:00.000-05:00

March 10, 2006

Lewisville, TX

Day 6

Today, my uncle stayed home and in bed because he wasn’t feeling good. Which is really the best thing for him. My aunt believes in antibiotics at the slightest sniffle. Can we say powerful, lethal bugs, as a result. Ugh.

She took us to Sam Moon Trading Company. WOW! They have some really nice stuff at some very inexpensive prices. I was happy. I bought several pairs of earrings and necklace sets for myself and for my mom, SIL, and DsS. I also found myself buying several purses for some strange, unknown reason. They were only $15.00, so that is good. After Sam Moon, I picked up T-shirts for DD and I. And then we went to McDonald’s for lunch. Yuck. After ward we went to the Bass Pro Shop and looked around. Fun. Fun. Fun. I also picked up some snack stuff. Then we dropped Nana off, settled our things in, and then I started packing. After a while my aunt, DD, and I ended up going to Walmart, I got more snacky stuff, a journal, and a book to write in. And TSA approved locks for all of my luggage. We came home, had sandwiches and ice cream. I finished packing, having had bought another carryon style bag and borrowing my aunt’s large suitcase. Okay, note to self, I way over packed. Let’s not do that again. That’s bad. My Aunt gave me a bunch of clothes that don’t fit her, so I first tried them on and then packed them. I helped her bring things down from the attic and sat out in the courtyard with her. She’s going to turn it into a spiritual/healing room. It’s going to be covered with roses, it’ll be beautiful when it’s done.

I really hate that fact that we are flying out tomorrow.

On a good note, I did finish a RR Christmas tree Thursday. So that is good. And I started on the Celtic Cross by TW. It's going in my carry-on for the ride home. It's cold and snowy in Michigan. It was 84 F here yesterday.

Spring Break -- Day 5

2006-03-11T08:57:00.000-05:00

March 9, 2006

Lewisville, TX

Day 5

It was mostly a quiet day. A change from all of the running around that we’ve been doing. We went back to Grapevine Mall so that I could exchange a couple pairs of shorts that wouldn’t fit DD and that my grandma just wouldn’t stop telling me about them. Ugh. So, we walked the last half of the mall and had lunch at the Rainforest Café. I picked up shirts for the kids and a pair of earrings for SIL. Then we drove around the lake and dam at Grapevine and through one of the parks they had there. It was nice and relaxing. We came home, my uncle and Nana took naps, DD worked on her homework and I stitched. I finished Futurecast late last night. My uncle wasn’t feeling good, so he went home. And after my aunt came home, we went to El Chico for dinner. I had an enchilada sampler and fried ice cream – it was okay, it wasn’t the best. It was edible. DD had nuggets. Nana had a tortilla soup that turned out to be very spicy and she didn’t like that, so she ordered Mexican Apple Pie, which was really good. More stitching followed. It was a nice time.

Tomorrow is Friday – that really sucks.

Spring Break -- Day 4

2006-03-09T10:30:00.000-05:00

March 8, 2006

Lewisville, TX

Day 4

This morning we went to IHOP for breakfast and then we drove into Dallas and went to the Aquarium. Nana used a wheelchair, and DD practically ran through the whole thing. We started on the third floor in the rainforest and worked our way down. It was amazing. I blew 4 rolls of color film there. It was great. We saw monkeys, birds, birds, and more birds, lizards, spiders, a jaguar -- beautiful animal, and alligators. And that was just in the rainforest. No, the jaguar was in Mundo Maya, very cool place. We went through the ocean and saw hundreds of different types of fish categorized first by island they live near – that makes sense, and then by who doesn’t eat whom. There was a large predator tank, a shark tank, and continental shelf tank, and a tank for the darkest, deeper parts of the ocean. We ended the tour near the gift shop – I bought a mug for me, some little things for DD, a t-shirt for my step dad, and nana bought a t-shirt for DB. Then we drove around Dallas. They had this really cool park that had statues of cowboys driving longhorns down and around and up this hill. It was sooooooooooooooo cool. I didn’t have my camera out to get a picture. Bummer. We came home, my uncle and Nana took naps, DD played, I stitched. We then went to the mall for dinner because our original plans got nixed. Oh well. It was fun. Went to Dillards -- $166.00 for a cotton peasant style skirt with a little bit of beadwork on the waist band – ah, no thanks. We walked out. DD wanted to go to Libby Lu, so we did. Expensive, but she picked out a few things that she wanted that were to expensive so that was good. We came home, watched TV, relaxed, and stitched. After breakfast we went to Wolf Camera’s where I picked up a flash and a lens cleaning kit, and a roll of film, that I hope is the right one. Otherwise, I could be up a creek. :S

I can’t believe it’s Wednesday already. So not fair.

Spring Break -- Day 3

2006-03-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

March 7, 2006

Lewisville, TX

Day 3

This morning we went to the Owen’s Spring Creek Farm and saw a museum of farm life including the general store and then we walked around and saw their horses and then we went into the petting zoo and fed the longhorn cattle and (and petted) the goats. DD climbed onto a spider made out of a huge rolled bale of hay, spray painted to look like a happy spider face. After we left there, we went to Black Eye Peas for lunch, the place we were going to go to (Magical Time Machine) wasn’t open for lunch. :( After that we walked next door to Quilt Country. All I can is 8500 bolts of fabric!!!!! Very expensive at $8.95 a yard. Ouch. I bought 2 ½ yards of four Texas flowers fabrics that I’m going to use to make quilts from. I just don’t know what I’m going to do yet. We’ll see. I think I may do a flying geese for one of the patterns, I’m just not sure yet. We’ll see. For dinner, we stayed home and had ham and bologna sandwiches. And then my aunt, DD, and I went to Walmart and JoAnn Fabrics. Their JoAnn’s has more crafty stuff (like a Michael’s) than fabric, and really, their fabric selection stunk. Oh Well. I don’t live here, so it’s allright. And well, Walmart is Walmart. Not a big day, but it 79°F and gorgeous.

Spring Break -- Day 2

2006-03-07T17:52:00.000-05:00

March 6, 2006

Lewisville, TX

Day 2

We woke up at about 8:30 this morning and stayed in our pj’s until 9:30. I made eggs and toast for breakfast which went over fairly well. My uncle came over around 9:45 or so. After I finished getting ready, we went to this mall where the Dallas Children’s Museum was. DD played in the Greek house, the Doctor’s Office/hospital/ambulence, Cici’s Pizzeria, Kroger’s Grocery Store – where she both shopped and rang up her groceries on a real working scanner, she also played on the stage, and did some drawing. She played the most in the house and in the pizza store. Although, with as much time as we spent there, I think that was her favorite part. Afterward we went to Grapevine Mall and ate at the Rainforest Café. DD was begging for McDonald’s again. Ugh. We went to the café with the understanding that if she didn’t like it we could go to McDonald’s. She loved the alligator at the entrance and the aquariums. And then there were the elephants, and after she got over her initial scare of the gorilla’s, she went off exploring the restaurant and sat at the bar on the giraffe legs and lower body, complete with moving rope tail. She had a blast! I’m so glad. She had dinosaur chicken nuggets with fries and a Coke. My uncle had the Blue Mountain Chicken Burger with chips and a Coke, Nana had Caribe Chicken with coffee, and I had the Planet Earth Pasta (sausage and penne pasta with mozzarella cheese and marinara sauce) some sort of toasted bread and a Coke. Then we went shopping. Nana and I bought a blue romper with fish on it for Nephew #5, t-shirts for Nephew #3 (brown tye-dye with safari animals on it and reads Rainforest Café), Niece #1(pink with two white tigers that reads Rainforest Café), Niece #2 (pink with sparkly tiger that reads Wild Thing on it), and DD (dark blue tye-dye with white tigers that reads Rainforest Café). And then I bought two more shirts for Serra (both white one with the Rainforest Café animals and name on it and one with Cha Cha (the frog) riding a bucking bronco that says Dallas on it), two for me (both with, one with all of the Rainforest Café animals and the name on the back and a small logo on the upper left side in front and one with three Cha Cha frogs doing the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil thing on it) and a mug (white with animals and name). My Uncle commandeered a wheelchair for Nana and we walked around about half of the mall. I saw this store Justice-Just For Girls, I went in, but found they had really expensive versions of the clothes I usually find at The Children’s Place. Then Nana and I went into Liz Claiborne Shoes and she found a pair of heeled sandals in the kind that she likes. She got them in black. She paid like $55.00 for them, instead of the normal $64.00, and at the last minute I found a pair of dark tan ankle boots that I like. They are normally $94.00, and I got them for $21.00. They are a little tight, but I figure since I’m losing weight and they are leather, it’s perfectly fine. Then I found this store called Texas Treasures and I got DB a gray t-shirt with the Dallas Skyline on it, I picked up two shot glasses for mom one is clear with tiny painted boots, hats, and lone stars on it that says Dallas in big letters, and one that looks like an old map that says Texas on it and cowboys. And I got a collector’s spoon with a pair of boots and a map of Texas on it. I spotted two things there that I almost got, but didn’t – a bumper sticker that reads “I’m from Texas, what country are you from?” and an “Official” Texas Passport with all of the different large cities in Texas listed in on beige paper and laid out like a real passport. It was really neat. Then my uncle bought DD a Fairytopia Mermaid/Fairy thingy and a set of Polly Pockets. Then I found The Children’s Place Outlet store and I bought DD three pair of socks, three pair of shorts, two pairs of Capri pants, a shirt, and a pair of sun-glasses. All of which look really good on her. Not that I’m biased at all.

Then we headed back to my Aunt's. I stitched, DD played, my uncle and Nana slept. After my aunt came home we went to Razzoo’s Cajun Restaurant for dinner. The outside looked like a swamp shack (at least the pictures I’ve seen of them) and had a pair of screen doors leading into it. There were bottles of different sizes and colors that used as a divider. Nana and my aunt both had the cheeseburger with fries (it was huge), my uncle had the shrimp basket, DD had chicken strips and fries (of course, did we think there was going to be anything else?), and I had the Andouille with Red Beans and Rice, which is spicy but not hot. Let me just say that it’s Cajun sausage – it BITES BACK!!! Ouch. But really good. And like lunch, I couldn’t finish it all! No desert -- and they looked really really good. We did pick up some ice cream, bread and cheese on the way home, though. My uncle went home, my aunt and Nana watched TV, DD played. I started to stitch, but ended up talking to a friend of mine instead. While we were at Razzoo’s (oh, and yes, Alligator tails was on the menu), I called my Brother and told him that we’d arrived safely, that we were eating Cajun and that it was a balmy 81°F. He had absolutely no sympathy for me. :) I believe his words were something to the effect of “I hate you. Shut up.” I was just trying to be helpful and kind and let him know I arrived safely. Even though I had called him from the Smokehouse yesterday…it’s not my fault. (It was 18°F there). Did I mention I wore a tank top, skirt, and sandals all day? Um, oh, darn.

I did end up stitching a bit after DD went to bed and I finished talking with my aunt. I do need to call my mom tomorrow. And I think I want to pick up some earrings for SIL and maybe something for SSis and her kids. I might get DSdad a t-shirt too. I think he’d like that. I’ll have to remember this for when we go to Utah. Gifts for the family. And when I go to Atlanta this year… gifts for the family…. :) I had a blast today. I loved all of the food, and seeing everything. There really aren’t a lot of chain restaurants down here. I was surprised. And happy.

Thought of the day – OMG!!!! I bought shoes. Vile, evil things!!! And I bought a pair. Willingingly. Oh boy.

Spring Break -- Day 1

2006-03-07T00:27:00.000-05:00

March 5, 2006

Lewisville, Texas

Day 1 of our Spring Break vacation to Dallas.

It was truly a travel day. I got up around 5:30 this morning, checked out of the hotel after spending a terrific weekend at a mostly useful writer’s mini-con. I picked up DD from DB and SIL new house, toured it – it’s huge – really, it’s too much. I mean who wants to clean something that large. Ugh. Nana picked us up around 8:30 this morning and we arrived at the airport at 9:00, since we had a 10:16 flight.

Security was a pain in the arse. I haven’t flown in 7 years, I wouldn’t have thought that I needed to remove my laptop from my carry-on. It was on the bottom of the flippin’ bag. Ugh. So they hand searched my bag and did some sort of chemical test on my computer. I’m going to take a long shot and assume they were looking for traces of explosives or other nasty chemicals meant to kill lots of people. You had to remove your shoes, unless you are over 80 or wearing tennis shoes. Yeah. DD and I were both wearing tennis shoes. Joy of joys. So we cleared security.

I bought gum to help DD equalize the pressure in her ears…she doesn’t like gum. So I had her drink a little, which she didn’t really want to do either. We boarded the plane out of GR easy enough. Watching her as we took off renewed my joy in flying. I got to re-experience everything for the first time with her. All of her excitement and fears. By the time we landed in Chicago though, she was complaining that she was hungry. It only got worse, especially the whining. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I did the unthinkable, I bought food at the airport. Really, what choice did I have? She was doing nothing but whining and complaining. I spent a good $30.00 on food for three people. Ouch. The meal consisted of Pepperoni Pizza, the personal size ones, Chinese with 2 meats (Sesame, orange), and a ham and cheddar on Ciabatta bread. We boarded the flight to Dallas on time, but then they had to de-ice the plane’s wings. And then we sat on the runway for a bloody half-hour. We were late getting into Texas. But we finally made it. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got settled in at my aunt’s house – it’s gorgeous, I’m going to have to get pictures of it all. My Aunt’s house is a gorgeous brick house, 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, with a study, breakfast nook, patio, sunroom, large kitchen, and formal living room that she separated with 2 large screens and made into a prayer sanctuary. One of things I’ve noticed down here is that almost all of the houses are made out of brick, is that a good portion of the houses, especially the newer ones, had their garages in the back of the houses with 8’ – 12’ wooden privacy fences, all accessed by alley ways. It’s really cool. My aunt's got this nautical - western - feminine decor thing going on. It's really tasteful and cool.

My uncle took us to the town of Denton, to a small hole-in-the-wall restaurant called the Smokehouse for dinner. I had a two meat combo of Beef Brisket and German Sausage, with a side of Potatoes salad and onion rings. DD desperately wanted Chicken Nuggets from McDonalds. She ate most of her chicken strips, and onion rings. Then we went to see the largest house in North America. Then home and then out to the grocery store followed by Braum’s, which has excellent ice cream. On the way back from dinner, we drove through Texas Women’s University, which was truly awesome. And then we saw the largest house in North America, which was gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And all the land that goes with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And everywhere there are horses and cattle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More to come....

The Journey To Me

2006-02-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

Starts inside, but it does manifest elsewhere. I keep a blog titled "Elven Thoughts and Meanderings" a misnomer to some degree. But, to make it true opens myself up to ridicule by those I have come to trust and consider my friends. Therefore, my options are somewhat limited == I can keep it as is, and begin anew where the title and the content are for the same purpose or I can change the title of this and open a new journal using this title, or I can keep the journal and alter the course of friendships I people I have come to love that I would miss and would not wholly understand or believe --

Perhaps it is best if somethings remain hidden from outside viewers, but therein lies my unhappiness == to be alone and not know my kin, my people...what joy it that lies there.

Thimbleberries

2006-02-26T12:56:00.000-05:00

Is a block in the month club at a quilt shop that I discovered while looking for a butcher that one of my friends recommended to me. I signed up for the club on a spur of the moment decision. Yesterday was the first meeting that I went to. I bought the first month right then and sat down with the rest of the ladies, while they were sewing, I started cutting my fabric. I found out what some of my problems with my other quilt block experiences. :) I had a ton of fun and couldn't wait to get home to get more sewing done. The fabric for the Thimbleberries Quilt Club, is all vintage fabrics, a lot of golds, greens, and russets. The center block is an outline print of something. Such as hearts for February. I'm going to stitch the outline. I'm not sure if I want to stitch it black or some other color. I would like to use varigated floss. Maybe something from Weeks Dye Works (Havana, Molasses, Charcoal, or Onyx) or from Sample Threads (Cherry Bark, Forest Glade, Soot, or Black Crow). Since I don't have the center block with me -- they are behind in orders right now, I'm not sure which would look better. There are no bright colors on the fabrics, just muted fall colors. I'm looking forward to finishing it. Though I confess I will probably send it out for quilting, I love making tops, but I'm really lousy at machine and hand quilting. At least right now. Another thing I'd like to learn. Because you can only tie so many quilts. :) I will try and get a photo up as soon I can.

Question to Ponder...

2006-02-23T23:24:00.000-05:00

...if this is the third, fourth, hundreth, or more time I've spoken with you and you still begin with "I'm a Christian" or "As a Christian" --- are you trying to convince me or yourself?

---Remember actions always speak louder than words, and the smallest, mostly unseen action, will be heard the loudest.

Today

2006-02-20T17:24:00.000-05:00

I brokeded.

On My Photography Class

2006-02-19T00:03:00.000-05:00

I have this assignment -- actually it was given 2 weeks ago, and it took me until Friday to figure out what to do. I hadn't realized what a rut my thought process was in. It's still uniquely mine, but there was a difference I hadn't been aware of. The assignment was -- well is -- in 36 shots show 1) freeze motion (but you have to be able to tell it was moving), 2) show motion, 3) show depth of field, and 4) show infinite focal length (at least I believe that is what he called it). So I sat down and tried to process it and come up with creative ways to show things. And I couldn't. I had gotten use to 1 -2 - 3 - 4- 5- steps in order -- linear ways of doing things. Not creative/circular like I was used to doing it. When I stepped outside academia I could do it. Now, my only concern with is, outside of being creative or original enough, is with the ideas and visualizations I did come up with, knowing that what I was trying for is what I got. Since I'm not shooting 1-2-3-4 etc I am writing what the shots are when I take them, so I don't forget. I was thinking of writing down all of the settings I've been using, but I don't know that I want to do that, well more likely, I don't know that I'll have the discipline to do that. The thing that I don't like about homework rolls when there are set numbers of each subject or part is that I can't take multiple pictures in order to get the one I want. That stinketh. I know it's a lot of practice, practice, practice, but I don't know that if what I've been doing (basic record keeping-- taking pictures of my DD, friends, and family) is enough. I've been wondering well two things -- what kind of color film to use (its a b&w class), and wondering about doing an interpretive word set of shots. One roll per word or phrase per week or so. But I don't know that I would want to come up with all of the words or phrases because then I could stack the deck in the way that I like and I am comfortable with. I think the idea is to be challenged. I think that might help me. At least I think so. So, if I do do this, I would want to know if it's b&w or color film to use and the word or phrase. Then when I have them developed I could make sure that I get them on disc too, so that the results can be seen. I also thought about picking a specific scene and taking several shots of it using different settings just to see the effect of it. That would probably take two rolls -- maybe do it twice or even three times -- inside, outside sunny, and outside cloudy. I should get an album of some sort to keep track of all of them -- note film, speed, and all settings so I can do a quick look and go -- oh, so that's what that would look like.

FYI Here Too

2006-02-15T23:21:00.000-05:00

Even though a great many literature authors will tell you that you must be depressed, under tension, and despair regularly in order to write anything worth while. I whole-heartedly disagree with that sh*t. First of all, you have to want it. Second of all, you have to have a measure of talent that you were born with, and third of all, you have to guts, determination, and have unquestionable faith in yourself and your abilities. Otherwise, quit. It's easier. Less taxing on those pour fragile nerves and the rejections you recieve for your work won't cause you to go further into depression. But, on the other hand, if you believe that dribble, don't be surprised when the rejections start piling up. Very few people want to read about how depressed you are and how sad everything is.

Enough said.

(It's also posted at Behind the Script.) which is also mine

Woe Is Me....

2006-02-15T22:50:00.000-05:00

Well not really... I mean nothing horrible is going on and my stress levels are decreasing. And the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of being a doctor. Not sure though. But I have to wonder, as I'm sitting in my beginning photography class (uses one of those big camera's where everything is manual) listengin to the prof talk about all the differences between him and me...now why couldn't I just apprentice for a while to learn all of the basics. It's not like the prof is teaching me how to think any further outside the box than I already do, ugh. Oh well. I got my slides back, he neglected to tell us our grades. I'm so not comfortable with that. I like to know how I'm doing in a class. Especially since failing is so not an option.

The other day I got to thinking about a few things, and I came to a realization. With the exception of small things (stash, clothes, books, footwear (as it is required by law) and music) all things that are individually less than 30.00 each when I bought them, nothing in my house was new when I got it. Not a thing. Not that that is a bad thing, I'm not materialistic or anything and I am quite aware of the difference bewteen a want and a need. But you know, just once, I'd like something new. LIke, oh I don't know, something that is more me than not. I'd like a car that I don't have to worry about. What I'd really like is one of those hybrids or to live a city with an actual transportation system that reaches all areas. I don't mind having to wait, but some times waiting gets old.

On a totally different train of thought -- I'm trying to organize and file all of my paperwork... that means some of it goes into the circular file too. Works nice. It's been hard. I honestly don't know what to do with all of it. As far as where to put it. And I don't necessarily want to box it all up since that will just shift the problem not solve it.

But for tonight....

I'm outta here.......

Life Goal

2006-02-12T22:14:00.000-05:00

I'm doing one of those Life Goal - Change thingy's -- Here is my life goal --

To live simply and honorably, while keeping my values and beliefs in tact and not sacrificing my DD wellfare.

I would prefer to live my life simple and unassuming without attention being called to the people I help or the things I do in order to help others.

Wants vs. Needs

2006-02-02T15:28:00.000-05:00

Now there is a definite difference between a want and a need in my not so humble opinion -- I do not need a brand new Ford Ranger XLT 4x4 with an extended cab in hunter green. I live in the city, that is a want. But I do need a new car. See -- want vs. need. I need to move, now. Luxary apartments are a want, however close in price they may be.

Okay, so we know, well, I do, that I don't need any more fabric. For a while. I really don't. However, I do need new clothes, and not knowing if people will grow brains and stop wearing hip huggers with bell bottoms anytime soon, and knowing that whether I am a size 2, 8, or 20, I will not ever wear them. EVER. My arse should not be showing to the world. It's mine and nobody elses. I did buy fabric yesterday. Several yards of it. All to make skirts, because it's warming up and I want to. I do want to go get some of the gauzy stuff from Destination India for a circle skirt still. And I want to get some knit tanks to go with it. And the good thing about the skirts, is that as I loose weight, I can take them in. hehehe.

The Stitching Basket

2006-01-31T22:16:00.000-05:00

Welcome to another edition of the Stitching Basket, when I hold myself accountable to the goals I’ve made for myself this year.

Writing Goals –

I started the year off with a bang, averaging about 3 pages a day, but in mid-January my roommate died and I’m still trying to figure out how to tread water. So I haven’t gotten any writing done. Which also means, I haven’t finished anything and I haven’t submitted anywhere. I did start to look for conferences for SFWA and haven’t found a lot, admittedly, I haven’t looked real hard, and I have yet to join RWA SIC FFP hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will.
I haven’t sent in my registration for RWA’s National Conference. Now, I’m wondering if I should even go, given the upheaval here. I have started to organize my research both on my computer and in my filing cabinets – it’s true. I have started separate folders for different subjects and by author(s) or publication(s) when possible. It’s horrible and yucky, and way unnatural, but oh well. It must be done.

General Goals –

Here too, I started the year off with a poof. I started watching what I eat and how much and started exercising three times a week. But I know I'll feel better once I start working out again. And it'll get easier as time goes on. I haven’t checked into YMCA memberships because right now I still have free access to the school’s gym and pool.
I have begun to put together spreadsheets of all of my books, movies, CD’s, Cross Stitch (Wow, I didn’t have nearly as much as I thought. That’s rather sad somehow) and sewing stuff. I have started to get ideas down for Christmas for my friends and family. I basically know what I’m going to get my brother and his family, and my grandma, it’s just my DD, my mom and step-dad, and then my friends….hmmm we’ll see…
I have started to organize my bed room and utility room, now, especially out of necessity. But it’ll be nice have to less clutter taking up space. I mean really, I can’t possibly need all of it!
I made the Dean’s List last semester!!! I’m so thrilled!!!!!!!!!!! GPA is still recovering from the nosedive it took last winter, but oh well. I’m doing the best I can and I can’t ask more than that. My mom and I are thinking about going to Frankenmuth and Bronner’s sometime this spring!!! I can’t wait!!!! And of course we’re going in October -- middle to end hopefully.

And Now for the good part –

Stitching and Sewing Goals
I’ve finished several ornaments for the two Round Robin’s I’m in. I stitched about 100 stitches on Storyteller and then had to frog every blasted one because I count funny. :S I found the pattern for my nephew’s birth announcement, finally, so I’ll be starting that soon. I also have all of the floss I need to finish my step-dad’s sweatshirt. Yeah!!! He may actually get it this year!!! I bought Forest Goddess from Mirabilia and decided I didn’t like the pinky-purple dress and it needs to be more of an orangey-red and so I have to do that before I can start her. But since the Meandering one initiated a SHE SAL I had to find another SHE to work on, so I will be doing the Japanese Angel (which I can't find a picture of online :( ) from Barbara Baatz for my DD. I haven’t found the fabric I want for the Last Supper, which I have to restart because I count funny. But I have started Celtic Banner, finally. I’m thrilled about that one! And since my aunt gave me the Stitch-bow system, I’m finding it’s great for holding everything, though I haven’t had to un-wind any of the bobbin thingy’s yet. And I have decided that I want to get a new (and sturdier = sturdy period) Cross-Stitch Frame. My mom decided she wants one too, but she needs one that holds hoops, which is what she works on, so I think we’ll both be getting one this year. Yeah! And since I inherited all of my roommate’s fabric, I will be doing a lot of scrap quilting this year == well I’ll get the tops done at least. I do want to do at least one each for each of Nancy’s sisters and her mother with the fabric I’m inheriting – But SHHHHHHHHHHH it’s a secret – and maybe even one for the niece she was closest too. She would like that. I don’t know if I’ll do one for her grandson, and it’s low of me, but I know I won’t do one for her son. He broke her heart and I can’t forgive him for that. I do have a quilt and an announcement I need to start because I may even get to go to a wedding this year. It’d be nice. But we’ll see.

Choices

2006-01-28T08:29:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed how certain events in our lives can lead to seemingly unconcious choices? And then those choices lead to new habits.

For example -- something I'd only realized the other day -- when I first came home after leaving my now-ex, I was 15 minutes early for everything. I was used to that. I was in the habit of doing that. And then something happened to change all that. It was the 23rd of December, my friend L and I were taking my DD and two of her cousin's kids to a local Trees from Around the World Display, and DD and I had to leave early to be at this friend of the family's house for dinner. So, we did and we got there on time, only to find out that I was actually an hour early. They told a couple of us an earlier time so that we would get there on time. They thought it was cute, I was insulted and if it hadn't been for my dad being there, I'd walked out, since I have no use for that sort of thing. And now, I'm mostly chronically late for family get togethers. Why be on time? No one else is. And they're just going to find fault with something anyway. THese were unconcious choices -- unconcious, because I didn't actually make the decisions -- I didn't think about it and then go "oh, yeah, let's do that", it "just happened". It just happened because I didn't do anything to stop it or change it or even look at the root of it until now. And that happened about 4 years ago.

That was my choice in reaction to an event in my life. A defense mechanism? Maybe, possibly. I'm not pysh major, minor, student, or doctor, and I don't play one anywhere...but I do know that our brains are extremely complex and we, as people, develop a thousand different ways to deal with things. Ways that protect us so that we can function in a way that is normal for us. I have a friend who knowingly chooses to avoid situations that compound her grief, makes sense to me, but she probably made some unconcious choices that developed into habits, and are in the process of developing into habits to also deal with things so that she can operate at a level that is normal for her. We're people, it's what we do. Coping techniques, defense mechanisms -- we have them, we develop them, we use them.

Even something as mundane as how clean or unclean, organized or unorganized your house is can sometimes be traced back to an event and a choice. My SIL and Mom have houses that look like they could be on the cover of a magazine -- beautiful -- not a dustbunny out of place -- the type where you are afraid to sit down because you might wrinkle something, bland and neutral in my opinion, and me, I'm the opposite --- mostly. It's not like I have science experiements growing on my counters and in my sink. But you can tell I live here, and I'm comfortable. My house is normally full of life and color and a family that stays busy and active. But I also at one point had a house that belonged on the cover of a pretty house magazine. And looking back, I know where the change came from. It is my reaction to my choices being taken away. If our choices are taken away, we will still react to them.

At least, that's what I've learned, because alas, again, it is a period of introspection. I recommend it to everyone, you learn the most fascinating things about yourself and others.

The Rule Of Four

2006-01-22T23:48:00.000-05:00

I've never seen it before, so I thought I'd swipe it from the Lunatic

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Air Force Jet Mechanic
2. Receptionist at the County Bank and Morgage Company
3. Adjuster at the Evil Unholy Bank
4. Math and English Tutor at the College

Four movies I would watch over and over again:
1. Lord of the Rings trilogy
2. Princess Bride
3. Pirates of the Caribbean
4. Gone With The Wind

Four places I have lived:
1. Kadena Cho, Okinawa, Japan
2. Goldsboro, North Carolina
3. Denver, Colorado
4. Panama City, Florida
(there are more, but that's a fair spread)

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Crossing Jordan
2. Law & Order Criminal Intent
3. Good Eats
4. Extreme Makeover Home Edition

Four places I have been on vacation: (Thankfully it doesn't say they have to be recent!)
1. Smokey Mountains
2. Houston, Texas
3. Mackinaw Island, Michigan
4. Caribbean

Four websites I visit daily: (Um, well, I do when I'm online)
1. GRCC, this is more of a must though
2. Dragon Dreams
3. GRRRWA
4. Google

Four of my favourite foods:
1. Dark Chocolate
2. New York Cheesecake
3. Dutch Apple Raisin Bagle with Honey Walnut Cream Cheese from Panera
4. Penne Pasta with Arrabiata Sauce, Pancetta, and Prosciutto

Four places I'd rather be right now
1. Ireland
2. Scotland
3. Greece
4. Caribbean

Four people I am tagging:
The next four Elves that wander by.

Shrouded In Black

2006-01-17T13:39:00.000-05:00

Once again, I'm shrouded in Black.

Five years ago I met her, my roomate, my surrogate mother, my sounding board, and my friend. We worked at the evil unholy bank -- the one we were laid off from. Four years ago, along with her niece --on of my best friends -- we became roomates. When my dad was in the hospital she relayed messages back and forth from me and more of my friends, she watched over my DD and made sure she was taken care of. She mothered me and my DD. And last night, she went home. She is without pain, sorrow, or suffering. And I am in pain.

I kick myself for not being there, for not doing more. No one seems to blame me, but me. I said I would take care of her. And I lied. And I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I don't know if she will forgive me.

I have lost my friend and my DD has lost a 2nd grandma.

I am lost.
I am alone in a crowded room.
I am shrouded in black.

Quiz Time

2006-01-16T00:44:00.000-05:00

You scored as Albus Dumbledore. Strong and powerful you admirably defend your world and your charges against those who would seek to harm them. However sometimes you can fail to do what you must because you care too much to cause suffering.

Albus Dumbledore

95%

Sirius Black

70%

Harry Potter

65%

Remus Lupin

65%

Ron Weasley

60%

Hermione Granger

60%

Ginny Weasley

55%

Draco Malfoy

55%

Severus Snape

35%

Lord Voldemort

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com

WW => EK => WW Again

2006-01-10T00:33:00.000-05:00

The story I've been working on forever now, has become three. Today, in hopes of meeting my new resolution -- at least one of them, I've written about 5 pages, but I also figured out how to keep track of the "texts, letters, prophacies, and other documents" used in my story. NOt to mention the timeline and printed out the first 10 chapters so that I can start to edit, revise, and check for consistancy. I'm hoping that this will be finished by February 1st.

Big Burning Ball in the Sky

2006-01-08T21:39:00.000-05:00

All across the county people stood in awe as clouds cleared and gray turned blue and a yellow burning ball was seen in the sky. Reports have confirmed, it was the sun. And everyone jumped for joy.

The Newest Bug

2006-01-08T21:03:00.000-05:00

The newest member of my family arrived very early this morning. My nephew was born just before the crack of dawn this morning. A full head of hair. He's totally adorable. And since I was there to witness it, I'm so not bias. :)

There's Blue Stuff Up There!!!

2006-01-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

In a moment of awe and wonder, people in W. Mich. stopped to gaze at a patch of light blue edge with golden yellow breaking through the dull gray sky. Questions of its origin and identity spread rapidly.

Rumors and unconfirmed reports state that it may have been the sky and the yellow stuff is the sun. Both are out of sight of northerners for most of the calender year. There are no confirmations available at this time.

Goals for 2006

2005-12-30T06:04:00.000-05:00

I made my list of Goals for 2006. I'm still amazed by how large the list is...oops. I did however break it down into three parts -- writing, stitching, and general. Some of these are lifestyle changes not just what I want to get done. And they are things that cover the whole year.

Writing Goals –

1. Write 2-6 pages daily

2. Finish WW

3. Finish EK

4. Finish EW

5. Finish DR

6. Finish GTF

7. Contact at least 1 editor for MCT

8. Contact at least 1 editor for DR

9. Contact at least 1 editor for GTF

10. Finish RTF

11. Contact at least1 editor for RTF

12. Contact at least 1 editor specializing or dealing with Sci-Fi and Fantasy

13. Attend RWA National Conference

14. Look into SFWA Conference’s

15. Join RWA SIC FFP

16. Organize research – hard copy and digital

17. Participate in NANOWRIMO

18. Enter RWA’s Golden Heart

19. Subscribe to Writer’s Digest, Realms of Fantasy, Asimov

General Goals –

1. Lose about 100 lbs

2. Exercise at least 3 times a week

3. Look into joining the YMCA

4. Eat Healthier

5. Cut out Pop

6. Swim at least 3 times a week

7. Put together a spreadsheet(s) of all of my books, music, movies, Cross Stitch, and sewing stuff and keep a copy off site.

8. Encourage and help N to do the same thing.

9. Put Together My Reading List and try to buy those books, if not borrow them from the Library

10. Read at least two books a month, one should hopefully be a classic

11. Put together Christmas gift idea list of things to get people

12. Start Christmas Shopping Early

13. Finish Christmas Shopping by November 15^th.

14. Start Christmas Baking Early. Freeze if necessary.

15. Have Cookie and Ornament Exchange the 1^st week of December, with all ornaments and invitations being homemade.

16. Put together a list of all of the things I need and want for the house, start getting them, slowly

17. Clean, organize, and declutter my bedroom.

18. Clean, organize, and declutter the utility room.

19. Clean, organize, and declutter the garage

20. Clean, organize, and declutter the living room.

21. Take DD to Binder Park

22. Take DD to Kalamazoo Air Zoo

23. Take DD to Utah to visit friends

24. Take DD to Dallas to visit family

25. Take DD to John Ball Park Zoo

26. Take DD to Sleeping Bear Dunes

27. Spend more quality time with DD

28. Stay on top of finances (includes paying off bills whenever possible)

29. Stay on top of School work,

30. Stay on the Dean’s list

31. Subscribe to National Geographic, Creating Keepsakes, Memory ___, Discovery,

32. Finish applying to Colleges

33. Take DD to Bronner’s & Frankenmuth with my mom

34. Weekend trip to Bronner’s and Frankenmuth with Mom, SIL, and Aunt

Stitching and Sewing Goals

1. Finish W. Quilt

2. Finish W. Announcement

3. Teach at least 1 person to Cross Stitch

4. Finish TW Storyteller

5. Re-do Nephew #3 birth announcement

6. Stitch Niece #1 birth announcement

7. Stitch Niece #2 birth announcement

8. Stitch Nephew #5 birth announcement

9. Finish scrap quilt for mom

10. Finish sweatshirt for Stepdad

11. Finish Dragon Quilt for me

12. Finish Dutchman’s Puzzle, see if DBro wants it or give it to Uncle

13. Finish my costume, started last year

14. Sew DD Halloween Costume

15. Sew Summer clothes for DD

16. Sew summer clothes for Niece #2 for her birthday

17. Sew summer clothes for Niece #3 for her birthday

18. Finish TW’s Celtic Cross

19. Find and Finish TW’s Futurecast

20. Kit Stretch

21. Kit Tempest

22. Finish The Last Supper (need 36x20 fabric – 28 ct)

23. Start and Finish Celtic Banner

24. Start Resurrection

25. Stitch Orchid Afghan for Nana (find out which issues it was in and reorder them)

26. Finish Bird Afghan

27. Subscribe to The Cross Stitcher, Stoney Creek Cross Stitch, The Stitchery, and Just Cross Stitch

28. Subscribe to Quilt

29. Find and kit Celtic Angel

Happy Holidays

2005-12-28T00:58:00.000-05:00

The holidays have come and gone. The year of preperation took about 45 minutes to undo. Not because DD had lots of gifts mind you, but because all of the wrapping paper had to be removed and each toy, book, or item of clothing inspected, and hopefully opened by mom. DD and mom got spoiled this year. I spoiled her and my mom and aunt spoiled me. My aunt got me the stitchbow organizing system (we'll see how long it stays in place and how long it takes me adapt it my standards because theirs isn't good enough. :)). And my mom, who I've wondered what she truly thought of me returning to school and becoming a nurse, bought me my first pair of scrubs, they can't be worn until I get hired in somewhere, but I have them. And the shirt has swimming dolphins on them. :) But my all-time favorite gift is the necklace DD bought for me. I did finish up another ornament. And now must contemplate buying two or three trees to support all of my ornaments. Um....Houston, we may have a problem here. I may give some of the ones I inherited to SIL, but I'm not sure if she'd like them, she prefers the crystal and crystal-looking ones.

On a happy, perspective putting note, I neither had to attend nor plan 6 funerals, so all is well. May everyone have a blessed new year.

Top Ten Reasons To Erase 2005

2005-12-23T11:33:00.000-05:00

...almost.

Oh, I have ten reasons to erase 2005 -- SIL miscarried. DD had back and neck injuries. DD had Scarlet Fever (which elicites responses such as "That's still around?"). DD eczema got worse. Dad was in and out of the hospital. Dad died. Niece was exposed to things that no child should be. Dad's fiancee had heart attack. SIL's grandparents died. DBro. house caught on fire. There's more but those were the biggies. And what I ended up with was:

SIL is pregnant again. DD's injuries weren't permenant or life threatening. Scarlet fever went away. Eczema is managible. Had time with dad. Still have memories. Neice will be fine. Dad's fiancee will be fine and now understands how the rest of us felt all this time. Brother and family are safe. Things are replacable. People aren't.

Friends are a blessing. Angels in disguise. And they have made a stressful year blessed.

So, as stressful as 2005 was, 2006 will be better. And as long as we choose to remember the good times, '05 can stay, at least in the history books.

On Fire Proof Safe's

2005-12-22T01:46:00.000-05:00

I strongly suggest one for everyone and inside you should keep negetives, copies of whatever is on your computer's harddrive, insurance papers, wills, DD214's, bankcards, credit cards, and a spare set of house and car keys. Advice gleaned from watching my brother and his family sort through the charred remains of their home this morning. We are thankful because with the exception of their 2 cats and some fish, everyone got out alive and safe.

Elven Thoughts and Meanderings

Working Towards A Better Me

This Is Going To Hurt –

Sewing and Stitching in 2012

New Year - New Changes and Choices

Random Venting

Paths To Take

Secrets

A Journey Completed

HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OOps...

Economy

Sometimes

It's Been A Whole Month

Random Meanderings

Quilting

Yet Another Pop Quiz

Story View

Scary THoughts

Enabling

I live --

Commercial...

And Then I Cried

Script Frenzy Approaches

Crossed Paths

Deep of Night

Card of Life

You are the World

Pop Quiz

I'm a Talent!

Talent: 69%Lifer: 33%Mandarin: 38%

Community Life

Sad Anniversary

Different Views

2007 Goals

Goals Wrap Up 2006

In Rememberence

About my Grades...

Pay It Forward

Children...

The Root of the Emotions

Mixed Emotions

Weather Sign

The Stitching Basket

Backpack Dump

Well Duh!

Where Were You....

Seen in passing...

Why Does Hollywierd ....

...and all I got was a....

If You Love...

Memories from Lowry AFB

And it gets bigger and bigger and...

I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I Ruled the land....

Nerd Testing

Randomness

Dad's Room

Knots

Money and Kin

Big Families

Red Velvet and Shell Casings

Bitter Sweet Weekend

Really Sucky Weekends

Unreasonable Fear

Keys and Clue-by-Fours

Another Depressing Book

As I Was Working ...

Thoughts on a Discussion

Scary Isn't It

Bitter Sweet

Finals Wrap Up

Observations

Photography Wrap Up

Where Else?

Spring Break - Day 7

Spring Break -- Day 6

Spring Break -- Day 5

Spring Break -- Day 4

Spring Break -- Day 3

Talent: 69%
Lifer: 33%
Mandarin: 38%